There have been so many things on my mind and heart during this season we are in. When I don’t know exactly what to say or I don’t know how to define my feelings out loud I go to writing. However, thanks to my ADD I tend to start a lot of pieces and before I am done I am on another topic on another document. The more I got frustrated with myself for starting so many things and not finishing all the while trying to explain my feelings towards quarantine I started to realize just how fitting this battle I was having with myself and how it correlates to what's going on outside in the world. My mind has this incredible talent of being able to move a thousand miles a minute, never fully staying long enough on one topic to feel any closure about it. I open all the wounds, projects, ideas, feelings and allow myself to feel for a minute then I go and pick up the next easier thing to distract myself from what I really need to actually do. Much like the world around me before the pandemic. Catching on to the comparison? See, before the pandemic much of us were like that. We would go from one person to the next, one job to the next, one addiction to the next, one hobby to the next, one chain to the next and so on and so on. We were so busy, wrapped up and occupied by sports, media and going out with friends. Stuck in the pattern of going and doing, watching and playing. We felt like we never had any time because we DIDN’T. Then out of nowhere everything is turned off, canceled, closed and we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It’s not exactly that we don't have the problem of having more time but the problem of actually being aware of our issue.
Everything is always hunky dory till someone points out the problem...then we sit and simmer in it. That’s the season we are in. When we sit in the problem it leaves us with two options. Our first option is to remain the same and just refine the edges. Leave the piece how it is and just edit it a little, not making too many waves or commotion. Small tweaks here and there so that we don’t have to enter the uncomfortable or unknown. We can keep our habits and ways but allow ourselves to call it change because we alter a few of the bad things we do. Option two is that we throw the rough draft out and start over. We create a blank canvas, taking away the mismatch of colors we tried before but didn’t work. Throwing away that worn scribbled out piece of paper that wasn’t doing our story justice. Realizing that season was just a rough draft and that nothing is final, that we have the ability to rewrite our story without some of the pain we encountered before.
We are creatures of habit hence why it took humans millions of years to adapt and change to our environment….we didn’t want to because who does? For me, I hate change with everything in me. Part of this issue I have and this roadblock in my mind causes me to hoard pointless stuff. I have boxes and boxes filled to the brim of every aspect of my life growing up. I simply can’t throw things out because that means that part of my life is over. When I moved a few years ago I was faced with the daunting task of having to comb through my boxes and decide what was worth keeping and what was worth giving away or trashing. After a week of severe depression and countless boxes of tissues I realized this battle was too much. I couldn't bear to throw anything away as it pained me. It was one heartbreak after the other anytime I let something go. Meanwhile, my sister who is a monster didn’t even open her boxes and just threw them all out without even looking. She didn’t even want to look at the stuff she was throwing away because she knew once she saw it she would feel attached and keep it. I knew what I had to do. I talked to my cold monster of a sister and asked her if she could go through my boxes for me and throw whatever she wanted away. For my sister, this was like therapy, whereas for me because of this I needed therapy. I left the house so I couldn’t see what she was doing. After several painful hours of me picking at my fingers and regretting the decision I made she called and told me she was done. I came home to a reasonable amount of boxes that I then could bring with me to my next chapter of life. The deed was done.
Years later I still have not gone through the boxes that she sorted through. See, its funny because I can't get upset about what she threw away because I don’t miss anything in the boxes anyways due to the fact that I didn’t even know about half the stuff in there. I was keeping all this stuff because it was the normal, the usual and made me feel comfortable. Yet, when I was faced with the problem of having too much stuff and I got rid of “the normal” I didn’t even need or want it to begin with. I was keeping “the normal” because that was my normal! But normal obviously wasn’t working for me because it was taking up space where the new belonged. I was even holding onto bad memories and things that hurt me to see because I was so used to those feelings and being stuck to them. Normal is normal because that's what we do, so naturally we stick with it even if its not working for us or good for us. The question we have to ask ourselves though is why go back to the normal if it was never working to begin with? It wasn’t serving a purpose before so now that we are simmering in the problem it definitely doesn't make the normal work for us now. Yet, we hold onto the normal because well…..that's normal. Let me explain more….
Before the pandemic I was suffering from severe self-doubt, depression and anxiety. I didn’t like where I was in my life or was I happy where I was. The other day however, I caught myself saying “I wish things would just go back to normal.” So let me fill that into my language since I forgot what normal meant for me… I was simply saying, “I hate change so let me go back to being depressed, anxious and addicted because at least I understood the season I was in.” “Let me open up boxes that I don’t even need and allow myself to stir up unnecessary pain and heartache because this is what I have always done when faced with change.” I have heard so many of us say we wish things would go back to normal when a few months ago we were praying God that he would get us out of that situation, that season, that period… and now we somehow got shot with the memory thing from Men and Black and want to go back to the place we were praying to get delivered from. Why? Because normal is comfortable. Pain is comfortable. Not having to adjust to a new season of change is comfortable. We rather be in pain and unhappy then have a fresh start simply because it looks and feels different.
This season we have all been thrown in is new and different so we deem it as bad. None of us like being thrown into anything because giving up control is scary. We went from always on the go to having a moment to reflect and actually think about what we are doing with our time. Our deepest wounds are being unveiled and instead of addressing them and dealing with them we rather retreat to that dark place that we at least had control over. “I rather be sad because I am choosing to be sad.” “I rather be depressed because I am choosing to stay here.” Note, I am not saying we choose to be sad or depressed but we do choose to stay in those seasons sometimes even when a new path opens up because we became comfortable. We choose to open these boxes we refuse to give away that brings about unnecessary pain into our lives that we forgot about yet hoard in our life somewhere so we can come back to them when we don’t know where to go. It's not even that we don’t know where to go because we know we should go down the new path yet because it's a choice we stay where we are at. WE STAY IN THE DARK AND PRAY FOR LIGHT THEN WHEN THE LIGHT COMES WE PRAY FOR SUNGLASSES BECAUSE IT’S TOO BRIGHT. There is a story that I love that goes something like this…
“A lady was stranded on her rooftop during a flood and prayed to God to save her. Soon after a man in a rowboat drove by and told the lady to hop in that he would save her. She waved him off and told him that God was coming by and would save her so the rowboat left. Later that day a helicopter came by and yelled at the lady to get on and they would save her. The woman replied that she was praying to God and soon he would get her. Later that day the water rose and the lady drowned and died. When she got to heaven she looked at God and asked Him why He didn’t save her. God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect, I tried to save you but you said No to me.”
God tries to save us and answer our prayers during troubled times by sending us a change of pace yet we ignore it and wait for something else to happen, stuck in the dark. Maybe just maybe God sent this quarantine to save us from ourselves yet because we didn’t like the way it came we remain drowning and begging for help. We hold onto negative and say no to the positive due to fear and having to look our problems in the face. It’s easier to ignore and blame then agree and change. During this time we shouldn’t be praying for things to go back to normal because if normal wasn’t working for us then how would it work for us now?
This quarantine is our spring cleaning time to finally open us those boxes of normalcy and take out things that don’t serve a purpose in our life anymore. You will feel so free after and even have space to let the new in. Some items we take out will be harder than others and that's when we need to call someone in to help. We aren’t made to do life alone so like me, if you need someone to help you get rid of a few boxes let them. Sometimes outsiders have a better view on what is helping us and what needs to be thrown away.
Don’t pray to go back to the place you wanted to be delivered from. Don’t hold onto useless and painful things in order to remain comfortable. Don’t decline God’s invitation to help because you don’t like change. Use this time to open up those wounds and spend time on the things you allowed to collect dirt. Dust off the past and make room for the future. Go back to life, not the normal. We were sent this season for a reason so don’t chalk it up to ill fortune and not take time to start over. SET YOURSELF FREE FROM THE CHAINS YOU ARE CHOOSING TO STAY LOCKED UP IN. You can do this. Here is to the new normal of change and discomfort, vulnerability and strength, and allowing ourselves to break to rebuild. Each season starts with a step into it, allowing it to happen. God is sending us this quarantine, don't wait till heaven to realize it was your rescue boat out to freedom.