Roots

“I’m not even in the weeds. I am in the root.”

Life sucks sometimes, let me just start off by saying that. With the pandemic and now all the animosity in the air it gets scary and hard. Things pop up and happen unexpectedly all the time sending our lives into chaos. One minute we think we finally have a handle on our life then something happens that makes us question everything all over again. It could be a breakup, a divorce, a sickness, an addiction, a death, whatever it may be it sucks and weighs us down. 

A few years ago I was a server and despite what people say about it that was one of my favorite jobs. However, some weekends it would get so damn busy that I didn’t even have time to breathe. One table after the next would sit down asking for every exception while I had a million other things to do. We would always tell our boss “I am in the weeds” and they would send someone to help us. In the weeds is a saying meaning you’re in deep. You have so much going on or so many problems at the moment that you don’t know what to do;  you are simply in the weeds. It can also be related to golf when your ball ends in the weeds, not a good spot to be in. It’s hard to get out of. 

I am bringing this up because I have a very dear friend right now who is in the weeds. She is going through a tough time in life where she is left questioning everything and everyone. She is feeling vulnerable and left open to the harsh elements of life. So many things in her life right now are uncertain causing her to be in a constant state of limbo. What is her life going to look like in a year? In a month? Hell, she doesn’t even know what her life is going to look like in a week. Have you ever been there? Been in that place where life hits throwing you off your foundation into a place you've never been before and never plan to be again? You feel lost, alone, scared, anxious and fearful of every next step because you don’t know if you have anything holding you up for whatever that next step may be. You feel like you are blindfolded just trying to make it out of the parking lot alive. You are frogger. It sucks. (if you don’t know what frogger is then I am sorry you didn’t have a childhood).

I was with this friend yesterday when she said beneath a gasp of tears, “I am not even in the weeds, I am in the root. I haven’t even made it out to the weeds.” She felt so lost and uncertain about life that she was stuck in the dark cold root inside the dark cold ground. She hadn’t made it out even into the sun yet and the weeds, that was a goal not a reality at the moment. She was more lost and in deeper than she thought. 

The more I sat there watching her world turn upside down and listening to her explain where she feels like she is at mentally I started to see a light at the end of the saying. Yes, she is in a very hard and uncertain place in life right now. She is in the root because she can't see the sun yet or even feel the occasional cool breeze of certainty. She feels claustrophobic and trapped in this unwelcome dark spot. I get that. But, let's think more about the use of a root. The root is the soul and the heart of the plant. The root is the place where it absorbs and takes in the most water to feed and fuel the plant. It's hidden but that's what keeps the plant alive. You can’t see it but it's constantly working for the better of the plant and even the plants around it (I’ll explain in a little). 

It's in our deepest moments  we don’t realize we are absorbing the most water. See, when everything is hunky dory we don't realize we are thirsty so we become dehydrated without even knowing it. I myself have the “everything is fine '' God complex where when I am good I feel like I don't need God yet the second something bad happens He is my go to. Sometimes, God has to humble us a little bit and make us feel that dehydration so we go back to him and drink from his well. He is constantly sending water to our roots; we just aren’t always aware of it until it takes something to make us slow down and feel the absorption happening. Jesus many times in the bible went to the well to replenish Himself and His followers. The well is where the water was found yet the well was buried deep in the ground. It was cold, scary and hidden from the sunlight yet it’s what brought people life. The root is the same thing. It's not pretty or inviting but it’s what is keeping us alive. Everything good first comes from a dark scary place. Even as humans we came from dust. Nobody wants dust yet it created life. Nobody wants to be in the well or the root but it’s what makes up our story of strength. 

The root besides being the watering system and carrier of life it is what holds the tree steady in the ground. During hurricanes and storms we witness the top of the tree swaying, bending and breaking underneath the strong grip of the winds. The branches that are visible aren't strong enough to hold the tree in place, it relies on its foundation, the roots. Our visible parts showing to the world oftentimes are fragile and vulnerable. Outside influences cause us to bend and break under their pressure yet we remain alive because of our roots. Our roots are our foundation built up of faith, love, family and our values. Despite our branches bending and breaking we remain strong in those roots. They are the hidden anchors of our life. It's in times of storms that we rely on those deep roots the most to ground us. We aren’t always aware of what they do for us because we can’t see them but when we need them the most they are there. 

Fun fact: Roots from strong healthy trees will wrap around roots of fragile dying trees and share their nutrients to keep them alive. Trees help other trees in need but only when they are strong and well watered. We are the same way. An empty cup cant pour into another. A full cup can. If we absorb the water our roots are supplying us and rely on them we will become internally strong despite the winds that may blow. We are on this planet to lift others yet we can’t if we don’t have a strong foundation. We can't love others, be there for our significant other, help our kids or be a good role model if we don’t use our roots. If we do use the water and support from them when someone is in need we have enough in us to share and pour into someone else and that's what life is all about. Life is about being full enough to water ourselves then pour into a cup that is half full so that the full cup can then continue to water others. Water needs to be fluid so should our pouring out. We live to pour into others who will pour into someone else, a watering system of love stemming from our deepest parts.

If you are feeling the dark cold dampness of being in the root, you aren’t stuck. You may not feel the warmth of the sun or cool breeze of certainty or comfort but you are in the best and only starting place for a strong future. Remember, everything good comes from a dark scary place, if you are there it means you are in the right place. Absorb what God is pouring into your roots. Allow those hard days to be the building blocks of what will hold you up during future storms. You may bend and lose a few branches but it's your truth that will keep you grounded. Don’t think you are being forgotten about by God, you are instead being placed by God. You are there for a reason. He is filling your cup so you can be full and then replenish those around you in your life. Your relationships in life will be better once you drink from the well God is providing for you. You will make it out to the weeds and when you do you'll be ready. You won't be put in a place you can't handle because your roots have been grounded and have spread. You will be stronger and healthier now in soil that was meant to hold you up. 

Life won't get better overnight but the more you make yourself aware of your roots the more you will appreciate the little moments. You are being prepped and molded so that you can handle anything. Don’t rush past this place but stay in it until you're strong enough. It's ok to not know what tomorrow holds. It’s ok to question where you are at in life. It's ok to not like this moment. Roots aren't put in bouquets for a reason, they aren't pretty yet we wouldn't have the pretty flowers to celebrate if it wasn’t for those dirty ugly roots. 

You are strong. You are strong and you are rooted in a God who is fighting for you. No storm is strong enough to knock you down, remember that. To my friend, yes you are in the roots but you are also placed in a spot that is only working for the best in you. I am right next to you and if you need me to spread my roots to yours, I can. One day you will do the same for me. 

Don't Go Back To Normal, Quarantine 2020

There have been so many things on my mind and heart during this season we are in. When I don’t know exactly what to say or I don’t know how to define my feelings out loud I go to writing. However, thanks to my ADD I tend to start a lot of pieces and before I am done I am on another topic on another document. The more I got frustrated with myself for starting so many things and not finishing all the while trying to explain my feelings towards quarantine I started to realize just how fitting this battle I was having with myself and how it correlates to what's going on outside in the world. My mind has this incredible talent of being able to move a thousand miles a minute, never fully staying long enough on one topic to feel any closure about it. I open all the wounds, projects, ideas, feelings and allow myself to feel for a minute then I go and pick up the next easier thing to distract myself from what I really need to actually do. Much like the world around me before the pandemic. Catching on to the comparison? See, before the pandemic much of us were like that. We would go from one person to the next, one job to the next, one addiction to the next, one hobby to the next, one chain to the next and so on and so on. We were so busy, wrapped up and occupied by sports, media and  going out with friends. Stuck in the pattern of going and doing, watching and playing. We felt like we never had any time because we DIDN’T. Then out of nowhere everything is turned off, canceled, closed and we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It’s not exactly that we don't have the problem of having more time but the problem of actually being aware of our issue. 

Everything is always hunky dory till someone points out the problem...then we sit and simmer in it. That’s the season we are in. When we sit in the problem it leaves us with two options. Our first option is to remain the same and just refine the edges. Leave the piece how it is and just edit it a little, not making too many waves or commotion. Small tweaks here and there so that we don’t have to enter the uncomfortable or unknown. We can keep our habits and ways but allow ourselves to call it change because we alter a few of the bad things we do. Option two is that we throw the rough draft out and start over. We create a blank canvas, taking away the mismatch of colors we tried before but didn’t work. Throwing away that worn scribbled out piece of paper that wasn’t doing our story justice. Realizing that season was just a rough draft and that nothing is final, that we have the ability to rewrite our story without some of the pain we encountered before. 

We are creatures of habit hence why it took humans millions of years to adapt and change to our environment….we didn’t want to because who does? For me, I hate change with everything in me. Part of this issue I have and this roadblock in my mind causes me to hoard pointless stuff. I have boxes and boxes filled to the brim of every aspect of my life growing up. I simply can’t throw things out because that means that part of my life is over. When I moved a few years ago I was faced with the daunting task of having to comb through my boxes and decide what was worth keeping and what was worth giving away or trashing. After a week of severe depression and countless boxes of tissues I realized this battle was too much. I couldn't bear to throw anything away as it pained me. It was one heartbreak after the other anytime I let something go. Meanwhile, my sister who is a monster didn’t even open her boxes and just threw them all out without even looking. She didn’t even want to look at the stuff she was throwing away because she knew once she saw it she would feel attached and keep it. I knew what I had to do. I talked to my cold monster of a sister and asked her if she could go through my boxes for me and throw whatever she wanted away. For my sister, this was like therapy, whereas for me because of this I needed therapy. I left the house so I couldn’t see what she was doing. After several painful hours of me picking at my fingers and regretting the decision I made she called and told me she was done. I came home to a reasonable amount of boxes that I then could bring with me to my next chapter of life. The deed was done. 

Years later I still have not gone through the boxes that she sorted through. See, its funny because I can't get upset about what she threw away because I don’t miss anything in the boxes anyways due to the fact that I didn’t even know about half the stuff in there. I was keeping all this stuff because it was the normal, the usual and made me feel comfortable. Yet, when I was faced with the problem of having too much stuff and I got rid of “the normal” I didn’t even need or want it to begin with. I was keeping “the normal” because that was my normal! But normal obviously wasn’t working for me because it was taking up space where the new belonged. I was even holding onto bad memories and things that hurt me to see because I was so used to those feelings and being stuck to them. Normal is normal because that's what we do, so naturally we stick with it even if its not working for us or good for us. The question we have to ask ourselves though is why go back to the normal if it was never working to begin with? It wasn’t serving a purpose before so now that we are simmering in the problem it definitely doesn't make the normal work for us now. Yet, we hold onto the normal because well…..that's normal. Let me explain more….

Before the pandemic I was suffering from severe self-doubt, depression and anxiety. I didn’t like where I was in my life or was I happy where I was. The other day however, I caught myself saying “I wish things would just go back to normal.” So let me fill that into my language since I forgot what normal meant for me… I was simply saying, “I hate change so let me go back to being depressed, anxious and addicted because at least I understood the season I was in.” “Let me open up boxes that I don’t even need and allow myself to stir up unnecessary pain and heartache because this is what I have always done when faced with change.” I have heard so many of us say we wish things would go back to normal when a few months ago we were praying God that he would get us out of that situation, that season, that period… and now we somehow got shot with the memory thing from Men and Black and want to go back to the place we were praying to get delivered from. Why? Because normal is comfortable. Pain is comfortable. Not having to adjust to a new season of change is comfortable. We rather be in pain and unhappy then have a fresh start simply because it looks and feels different. 

This season we have all been thrown in is new and different so we deem it as bad. None of us like being thrown into anything because giving up control is scary. We went from always on the go to having a moment to reflect and actually think about what we are doing with our time. Our deepest wounds are being unveiled and instead of addressing them and dealing with them we rather retreat to that dark place that we at least had control over. “I rather be sad because I am choosing to be sad.” “I rather be depressed because I am choosing to stay here.” Note, I am not saying we choose to be sad or depressed but we do choose to stay in those seasons sometimes even when a new path opens up because we became comfortable. We choose to open these boxes we refuse to give away that brings about unnecessary pain into our lives that we forgot about yet hoard in our life somewhere so we can come back to them when we don’t know where to go. It's not even that we don’t know where to go because we know we should go down the new path yet because it's a choice we stay where we are at. WE STAY IN THE DARK AND PRAY FOR LIGHT THEN WHEN THE LIGHT COMES WE PRAY FOR SUNGLASSES BECAUSE IT’S TOO BRIGHT. There is a story that I love that goes something like this…

“A lady was stranded on her rooftop during a flood and prayed to God to save her. Soon after a man in a rowboat drove by and told the lady to hop in that he would save her. She waved him off and told him that God was coming by and would save her so the rowboat left. Later that day a helicopter came by and yelled at the lady to get on and they would save her. The woman replied that she was praying to God and soon he would get her. Later that day the water rose and the lady drowned and died. When she got to heaven she looked at God and asked Him why He didn’t save her. God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect, I tried to save you but you said No to me.”

God tries to save us and answer our prayers during troubled times by sending us a change of pace yet we ignore it and wait for something else to happen, stuck in the dark. Maybe just maybe God sent this quarantine to save us from ourselves yet because we didn’t like the way it came we remain drowning and begging for help. We hold onto negative and say no to the positive due to fear and having to look our problems in the face. It’s easier to ignore and blame then agree and change. During this time we shouldn’t be praying for things to go back to normal because if normal wasn’t working for us then how would it work for us now? 

This quarantine is our spring cleaning time to finally open us those boxes of normalcy and take out things that don’t serve a purpose in our life anymore. You will feel so free after and even have space to let the new in. Some items we take out will be harder than others and that's when we need to call someone in to help. We aren’t made to do life alone so like me, if you need someone to help you get rid of a few boxes let them. Sometimes outsiders have a better view on what is helping us and what needs to be thrown away. 

Don’t pray to go back to the place you wanted to be delivered from. Don’t hold onto useless and painful things in order to remain comfortable. Don’t decline God’s invitation to help because you don’t like change. Use this time to open up those wounds and spend time on the things you allowed to collect dirt. Dust off the past and make room for the future. Go back to life, not the normal. We were sent this season for a reason so don’t chalk it up to ill fortune and not take time to start over. SET YOURSELF FREE FROM THE CHAINS YOU ARE CHOOSING TO STAY LOCKED UP IN. You can do this. Here is to the new normal of change and discomfort, vulnerability and strength, and allowing ourselves to break to rebuild. Each season starts with a step into it, allowing it to happen. God is sending us this quarantine, don't wait till heaven to realize it was your rescue boat out to freedom.

There Is Always Aquafina

“Hurt people, hurt people, but then we rise and overcome”

-A wise soul

Sometimes life doesn't happen the way we plan or want for it to. We have this image in our head of what we expect but instead we mourn the loss of what we thought it would be. It's easy to feel loss and let the world harden your heart. It’s easy to allow people to come into your life only to turn it inside out then leave you there wondering what the hell just happened..sorta like the last time I was at the beach. Mind you I am not an ocean person because I like my life and I don’t want it to be ended by two bites from a shark.

A beach memory I cannot forget is when I was in  Nicaragua and actually got in the ocean because let's be real I couldn’t let the orphans and bratty American high school kids show me up while I sat on the beach in my god awful but church labeled godly one piece. I decided to get in so I took a deep breath, picked my wedgie and went into the ocean to protect these kids from drowning even though I was ready to jump on their back at any second. I enjoyed my five minutes in the pee warm water but when I was ready to come in I slowly waddled to the shallow end. Keep in mind surfers from all over the world travel to Nicaragua for their huge waves. I was minding my own business when a rogue wave took me under. Just like every ex it surprised me in my most vulnerable state and took me down. I went under and took in ocean water one big gulp at a time. I finally saved myself and made it to the surface just in time to be hit again and to once again go back under watching my life unfold before me. Wave after wave it took me out causing me to roll and bend in ways I didn't think was humanly possible. I was searching for a second to take a breath but all I got was dirty salty ocean water. It took me in and brought me under so quickly I didn't have time to prepare. Just like life. 

I finally made it out alive even though I had more sand in my suit than the beach had. I made it to the towels but all I could taste was the salt in my mouth. Even though I just swallowed the whole ocean my mouth was dry leaving me thirsty for clean pure water. I had to wash the taste out of my mouth and replenish everything I had lost under the waves. I was thirsty for something pure, clean and fulfilling unlike the dry saltwater I had in my mouth.

My love life is a lot like the story above and let me explain why. I was on the safe beach but I felt a severe case of FOMO hit me (fear of missing out). I saw everyone out in the deep water having fun and I wanted to take part in it instead of being safe and lonely on land. I bravely waddled into the water to join all the others out there but instead of fun times I got trampled by the waves. One after the other taking me out distancing myself from where I wanted to be, where everyone else was. It left me stranded on the beach washed up with a bad taste in my mouth wondering “what the hell just happened”. Meanwhile everyone else managed to make it past the waves, able to be together out there experiencing what I wanted to be experiencing. You too? You go and waddle through all your insecurities and fears trying to make it where all your friends are thinking it will fill you up. Yet, it only leaves you thirstier for the good stuff, dry mouthed, tired and looking like a whole mess. That’s currently me. I'm on the beach removing the sand looking everywhere desperately for the good Aquafina to rinse my mouth out from that bad experience. 

What we as humans get wrong a lot is that we can go into the deep waters but it will always leave us wanting more. We will always eventually get hit by a wave and end up back on the beach thirsty. Our waves may come at different times, they may be bigger or smaller than others, we may be down longer or shorter under the wave and our beach landing may look different yet it will happen. Even if we don't get hit by a wave we eventually will get thirsty and dehydrated being out in the middle of the ocean with everyone and we will need to come back to drink fresh water. We couldn’t live out there with ocean water. In fact if you ever get stranded out at sea the last thing you want to do is drink the ocean water, it will leave you thirstier so you drink more only to dehydrate faster. Imagine being on a raft where you have water all around you yet it will only make you thirstier...that's life, relationships, and love. Let me explain.

One of my favorite stories in the bible is the woman at the well. 

“Now Jesus had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “will you give me a drink?”. The Samaritan woman said to him, “you are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (for Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?” Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

-John 4:4-13

The Samaritan woman was known for having many husbands and for getting around town, if you know what I am saying. She is not someone you would bring home to mama. Everyday at the same time she would walk to the well and fill up her canteen only to have to come back the next day and the next. No matter how much water she got it left her empty and thirsty for more. She was filling her canteen with “sea water”..water that was around her and available yet was killing her. She was not just filling up on seawater but she was filling up on water others provided. She was filling her canteen up with people, places and things. She saw everyone out at sea and she wanted to join. She had FOMO so she went out into the deep only to take on more sea water and to become dehydrated. 

What water are you filling your soul up with? For me my biggest well that I go to is people and relationships. I have been from one relationship to the next recently because I am only truly ok with myself if someone else is too. I find my validation in whether or not someone thinks I am good enough and that's the wave that gets me every time. My last couple of relationships took me under where I got stuck in the rip tide. The rip tide carried me to places that I was never supposed to go. My last relationship was all wrong and I knew it early on. I couldn’t put my feet on the soft sand so I tried to hold myself up as the waves got higher and higher around me. One red flag was that she made me believe I was hard to love and she was doing me a favor. One night she looked at me and smiled and said, “You need to lose weight, mature a little bit and be better with finances, nobody will truly love you till you become a better person and one day I will love you but until then try harder.” Anyone in their right mind would have gotten up but instead I kept going back to that well because I thought that was the only well around. I kept drinking the salty water only to become more and more thirsty. After that relationship ended I went into another again seeking love and validation in the form of what others thought of me. This relationship was actually healthy and great and everything I wanted. Even though it was amazing I was still having to go back to the well. I wasn't getting trampled by a wave this time but instead I was out in the ocean for the first time with everyone else. I thought I made it yet here I am thirsty. I didn't need a wave to take me under for me to realize I needed more. 

We often feel empty by the world and people around us. For a time being they fill us up but then the dry mouth kicks in and we realize we need more. We can't have just any kind of water people or the world gives us. We will only be fulfilled by the living eternal water and that's only given out by one source. It looks different from the wells we are used to going to. Its not obvious but it's there. The Samaritan had God before her offering her a drink and she said no because it didn't look like her normal source. We often are offered the good Aquafina on land but it looks different from what we are used to so we decline it. We stay thirsty and searching when the whole time God has a giant cup labeled with our name on it. People will always disappoint us. Bad situations will always arise. Unhealthy thoughts will always surface. Our waves will come. Sometimes life doesn't give us a wave to wake us up but it allows for us to make it to the fun deep waters where everyone else is. We feel safe, no red flags yet we aren't aware of the sun beating down on us and how thirsty our bodies are and will become. Even in good times we will be left thirsty. We always need to come back to God.

We need to start putting our love, validation, self worth, happiness and value in God instead of wells that will leave us always coming back. We need to stop drinking the water easily available to us thinking it will keep us alive when in reality it's killing us. So how do we do this? What does it look like to drink the eternal water from the one true source? It means that instead of holding onto people's words and actions you hold onto God’s promise and love. It means you look first within yourself, to be still and listen. The devil will put you out in the desert and supply wells for you along the way but sometimes it's not what's available to you but what's already inside of you. God is in you and speaking to you. Your well isn't others but what's inside of you already. You'll get hit by a wave but you know how to swim, your body will kick into action. God will kick into action. 

What's easy and available like salt water isn't always for you. What's hidden and takes work often is the well we need to go to. Remember that God appeared to her and point blank asked for water and she denied him. He will appear to you but not always in ways you think. Don’t be quick to say no to new things but be cautious. I'm not saying people, places and things can't help us or be the cup. Jesus was a person and although he himself wasn't the living water he supplied the cup to it. People can be the vessel in which we get to the living water. Places can lead us to the well but they aren't the water. Don't mistake a vessel for the actual thing, the cup for the water. 

Waves are needed and salt water is helpful. It reminds us what's real and how good it tastes when we get the real thing. Don’t stay lonely on the beach because it wasn't made for that. Don’t miss out on being out there in the deep with everyone else. Don’t let a wave stop you from going back out. Allow life to happen because only then will you realize the promise was always there. We have to be thirsty to reach for the cup. We have to go to the wrong well to realize the right one. Thirst isn't bad, it's how you fill that thirst that can be bad. We are going to get thirsty being out in the water, it will happen but remember you can always go and get that Aquafina.

The Difference of Brave

“You are not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor for setting the world on fire with your truth. You never know who needs your light, your worth and raging courage.” -Alex Elle

When I was in high school I used to dream of having a scar across my face, a burn or a mark somewhere visible for the world to see. I started wanting this after I got my first job as a hostess at a restaurant. I was a junior in high school, 17 years young. It came after a comment, then more comments and then more. It never stopped. The first comment came from the man hiring me at the restaurant. I had a scheduled appointment to meet and interview with him. This was my first ever job interview so I wore my best and felt ready after rehearsing my answers in the mirror that morning. To me I felt like this interview was life or death to make an extra $6.50 every hour at my first real job. Did I need the money? No. Did I want this job for freedom and to feel not like I was 17 and in high school. Hell yes. I sat down. Took a deep breath. I was ready. He began to ask about my work ethic, nailed those questions, then went into my personality, killed that...now he was talking about my looks. Wasn't prepared for this section so I started to sweat..I didn't know my looks were going to be part of it but then again it was my first interview so I shut up and listened. “Gena, you answered every question right but really all I had to do was look at you and know I was going to hire you. You are beautiful and will look great in the front of the restaurant.” Hmmm.. what do I say? What did I say, “thanks”. Then the interview was over. That job lasted about two months and in that time I was called a “c**t”, I was told to bend over slowly when picking up the menus on the floor and to smile more and look appealing. I thought that's how all jobs went, I didn’t know better. 

A couple months later I decided to try and get another job so to Barnes and Nobles I went. I liked books, I love walking around Barnes and Nobles, it's never busy or stressful so I should be safe, right? I mean that logic made sense to me. I walked up to the counter and asked a nice lady who the manager was that I could talk to. She called a middle aged man over who rushed over with books in his hands. He didn’t shake my hand. He looked me up and down and said “wow, she's beautiful. You have the job”. My heart sank. I put my head down and just turned and walked away. He didn't even know my name I thought, he didn't even see me..he didn't see me, Gena. He saw my face and that was good enough. So then I prayed for a scar, something, anything to make people actually look closer or even look at all, not at my face but what's behind it. 

The comments continued throughout college and into my adult life. The heart sinking moments of shame came more frequently with less time of sulking in between. I hid my truth in silence of embarrassment and guilt. Maybe I asked for it? Maybe I encourage it, maybe it's just me. A good girl doesn't create havoc so there I was being a good girl, keeping silent every time a dagger came from a man’s mouth. Daggers can come in many shapes, sizes and forms yet it always results in the same shameful feelings for the woman it was directed at. Why do we do this? We internalize someone’s mistake as ours. We replay moments of vulnerability and discomfort brought on by others' words and actions towards us and we somehow think of what we could have done differently. It's always our fault right? I mean that's how the news plays it out to be. We cry wolf, we make a mountain out of a mole hole, we read into things, we look between the lines too much, we actually think and take words as power. Words are power though, right? At least we once thought so until the establishment told us they weren't, they're meaningless, innocent and light. Our thoughts are wrong, too deep and non concerning. We must play our part, fade into the silence and allow things to happen just as they are. It's us, not them. We must shut our minds off and just obey. Obey and take it.

As christians sometimes we feel like we need to not cause a scene, forgive and let go. God calls us to forgive so we should just forgive their actions and keep going, right? Wrong. God calls us to love and forgive and both are actions. Love does, so we must do in action form as well and that means we must act on what has been done. Love is protecting our brothers and sisters from harm that we faced. Love is stopping evil from prevailing. Love is standing up for yourself and others who maybe were too scared or didn't have a loud enough voice. Love is speaking for others who can't. Love is stopping people from acting out their human sinful desires in harmful ways towards innocent people. Loving is doing the hard but necessary thing. Love is doing the next right thing. The next right thing is what will set your truth free, give your mind peace and silence the rage in your heart. Love is taking action. Action. It's also about being brave but here is the thing about being brave…. Brave doesn't mean you suck things up and keep going. Brave means you go against the crowd and fight for your truth. Brave means you unleash your soul from the constraints others put on it. It means looking evil in the eye and yet you still speak. We aren't called to be brave and let it go, we are called to be brave and speak to it. We take back the power by putting power in our words instead of theirs. You, my brave girl, have power. 

Being a powerful woman means loving yourself enough to end obedience. It means being brave for other women. It means talking even if your voice shakes. It means breaking boundaries and glass ceilings others put in place for us. It's about liberating your inner wild and not apologizing for it. It means not feeling bad for believing in yourself and your fundamental god given human rights. You don't need a scar for someone to see you. You don’t need to be put down to get ahead. You don't need to allow hurt in order to forgive. If your rights, values, morals and feelings are being jeopardized you have a right to stand up and speak out. Don’t let the crowd silence you, don't let the media say you're wrong, don't allow your brain to say you're too emotional. YOU ARE VALID, YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID, YOUR FIGHT IS VALID, YOUR RIGHTS ARE VALID, YOUR ANGER IS VALID, YOUR SADNESS IS VALID. What’s not valid is the shame people put on you. What's not valid is the embarrassment they cast unto you. Stand tall babe. Stand tall and take action for yourself, your friend, your daughter, your sister, your mom, your aunt….stand tall and take action for you. 

Out-Numbered, Over-Blessed

Growing up I hated gym class for several reasons besides having to wear those gosh awful uniforms. I am not a competitive person so it was always hard for me to take the games seriously that we would play. I was athletic but I could have cared less about playing dodge ball, volleyball or kickball. Everyone knew I was the class clown and non competitive so when it came time for people to pick teams guess who was normally last. Although I didn’t care about the game I cared about being picked and not being last. Every time I came in last it was a blow to my ego and self-esteem. I remember that awful feeling of standing there last because nobody wanted me on their team. It was humiliating. All the popular athletic cool kids were picked first leaving me last every time. I felt weak, unwanted, and the least of these. In fact as I grew older I was never the first one picked for anything. I kinda just land in the wind and end where it takes me. I don’t blow to one way or the other and I've always been that way. I always viewed myself as someone who was mediocre at everything, never standing out. I never felt good enough, talented enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, athletic enough…. I was just me. I never won a superlative in high school. I never really won anything so I carried that belief of not being good enough with me until now, being 27. 

I can confidently say that I am not the only one that feels this way. Now with social media it's natural and normal for us to compare ourselves to others. It’s hard not to when we see highlight reels of people’s lives every second of every day. It’s easy to label ourselves as less than and inadequate. We start to question our worth and our purpose and that's where the devil starts to plant seeds of doubt and anxiety. In fact I know this isn't a new phenomenon because so many people in the bible carried these same feelings. God would ask impossible tasks of everyday people and they did not feel worthy of their calling. Moses in fact even told God that he was not worthy of the plan God had for him. God spoke to Moses through a burning bush and told him to set the people free out of Egypt. Moses in response to God said, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt”. Moses believed there were better, stronger, wiser people that God should have called, for why would God choose a man who was running from the law?

 The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering.  So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.  And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”  Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ” God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’ “This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation.” -Exodus 3:7-13

God called Moses to set thousands of people free and start a new generation in a chosen land that he wouldn't even ever see. Imagine God coming to you with that...I can’t even remember to lock my car the two seconds after I get out of it...those people would be screwed if I led them. Maybe if I had waze but if not...count me out. That’s a hard pass for me God, give me something else to do like smile at someone or to open someone’s door, that's more obtainable. 

So Moses led the people in the desert for 40 years...that's 4-0 YEARS YALL! If I was Moses I would have been telling myself “yup I was right. He sent me to bring these people into the holy land and here I am 40 years later still in the desert. I told God to send someone else because I wasn't capable but he didn't believe me and now I have let all these people down. I knew this wasn't the right choice. I should be back in Egypt being a nobody. God called the wrong person.”

How many of yall would have had that dialogue with yourself? You would have felt like you messed up, you weren't good enough, ready enough or adequate enough. You would have internally ripped yourself apart and question God’s decision picking you. Yet, what Moses didn’t know that the seed he had planted wouldn't grow right away but when it would grow it would be more beautiful and stronger lasting the test of time. Although Moses never saw the delivery of his people his people in Israel are still being delivered today. Over three thousand years later Israel is still the pride and joy of God, far surpassing any and all circumstances. 

Now in 2020 Israel is a testament of God’s power and devotion to its people. Many of us don’t realize how protected Israel is because of God’s promise to his people. Now look at the picture below….

Israel, the land Moses led the people to, is the tiny tiny little country in red on the map. All the other countries around it are Islam territories that were taken over by war. Israel is surrounded and outnumbered, it's the least of all the countries yet it has seen a victory and continues to be victorious. The number of countries around it should be more powerful but to God numbers don't equal outcome. To God the least of these, the “inadequate” and the outnumbered are the ones being blessed. They were outnumbered but because they were blessed they saw a victory. Such as Moses. 

I’m going to tell you some facts about Israel but now keep in mind how small Israel is to its surrounding countries and the world. 

• Israel has the highest rate of entrepreneurship among women and people over 55 in the world

• When Golda Meir became prime minister of Israel in 1969, she was only the third women elected to lead a country in the modern world

• In regards to its population Israel has the highest ratio of college degrees, museums and startup companies

• Motorola developed the cell phone in Israel 

• Voicemail technology was developed in Israel 

• The first antivirus software for computers was created in Israel in 1979

• Israel published more books translated from other languages than any other nation in the world

• Life expectancy at birth in Israel is 82 years

• AOL instant messaging was developed by an Isralei software company 

• A cooking oil developed in Israel is capable of breaking up cholesterol and other bad fats

• Israel is one of nine countries in the world that can launch its own satellites into space 

So let's put this into perspective. A man who murdered someone, who was working in a field running away from the law was approached by God in an unexpected way. God called the man to free thousands of people and to bring them to the promise land. The man thought of himself as inadequate and not worthy or good enough to perform this task yet He trusted God. He led the people in the desert for 40 years and never even got to see the land he promised the people. The land over 3,000 years ago that God blessed is still blessing people today. This small, outnumbered, surrounded piece of land is victorious because it's blessed despite everything. The least of these is the greatest of all not because of its size but because of the promise. God did not choose the Isralites because they were better than others but because they were the least of these. Israel has survived war after war and yet is still standing. 

We are all Israel. We are all Moses. We think we are less than. We are picked last in gym class. We don’t win first place or stand high above the rest yet because we are blessed we will see victory in our lives. GOD LOVES THE UNDERDOG. You don’t have to have your shit together for God to use you. You don't have to see the promised land to have an impact. You don't have to believe in yourself for God to. You may be surrounded by sin, anxiety, comparison, enemies, sickness, addiction, lust, temptations yet because God believes in you YOU WILL MAKE IT. WE MAY FEEL LIKE WE ARE STUCK IN LIFE BY BAD OUTCOMES BUT THAT DOESN’T DICTATE OUR PATH BECAUSE GOD’S PROMISE IS BETTER AND STRONGER. Remember numbers don't equal outcome and outnumbered can mean blessing. 

God uses ordinary people to perform extraordinary things that will bless far more people than we could have ever imagined. While Moses felt like he failed in the desert, while he was beating himself up he was planting a seed that would save millions of people for thousands of years. God calls us to do little things everyday that we may not see a purpose for. We feel like we are in the desert working for him yet not seeing results. What we have to remember is sometimes we won't see the promised outcome but that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. Maybe your kids will reap the outcome or your grandkids. You could be fighting to break generational chains or regional demons in your area. You are big enough and good enough to be used. Your outcome will come and it will be blessed. You will doubt your worth, the promise and the journey but that doesn't determine the blessing. Keep going. Keep believing and keep allowing God to use you for extraordinary things. You are Israel, it's in your DNA, you will make it and see a victory. Victory is coming.

Control the Controllable

“One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change”

Disappointment is one of those words that makes your cringe when you hear it. In that moment that a parent says you disappointed them you feel about 2 feet tall and worthless. It’s the worst. It stings and leaves a bad taste in your mouth that reminds you for hours or days after that you didn’t do what someone needed or wanted from you. It’s like a paper cut, the initial cut hurts but everything that touches it after hurts even worse. 

Life is hard in the fact that as long as we are human and breathing bad things will always happen and alter our decisions or path. We can’t stop the rain, cancer, breakups, accidents, death, divorce, hate and pain. It is a part of our ever hurting world. It’s not the end all be all but it’s very present.

We as humans tend to focus on stopping the bad things from happening, ceasing the pain. However, the key is to not focus on stopping the pain but controlling how we deal with the pain. WE HAVE TO CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLE. For me, this is a battle I deal with everyday and let me tell you it’s exhausting. Over the past two years I have battled with severe health issues that have changed my daily living. Disappointment follows me everywhere now it seems, like a shadow lingering over me. 

My health crisis started to affect everyday living around October of last year. I started to get severe episodes of nausea and vomiting that would last for hours. One day of “I think I just have a stomach bug” turned into 4 months of hell. My body shut down on me and went into panic mode. I walked around feeling like I was on a roller coaster and my stomach just dropped. It was a constant feeling for me that had no rhyme or reason. I thought maybe I had food allergies so I would cut some foods out but didn’t see a difference. We had test after test done and saw doctor after doctor only to leave feeling disappointed and overwhelmed. In life things go wrong but we can always say “well, I still have my health so I’m not doing so bad”....but for me and for many I couldn’t fall back on the one thing that kept me going. 

We are so good at starting at point A then creating a story to get us to point Z and before we know it we are mind fucked because we enter ourselves in to all these scenarios. Maybe I have this, or that, maybe I will never get better, maybe I have cancer, maybe i’ll always live in pain… it becomes daunting. We all do this, we all start somewhere then allow our minds to take control and lead us down the rabbit hole. Pretty soon before we know it we feel trapped and like we are drowning in every bad situation we could possibly imagine. Sometimes, someone sees us trying to catch our breath and they throw us a life saver but because we are so focused on the pain we go under. We become blinded by whatever story our mind tells us. 

I convinced myself I was going to live the rest of my life in bed. I wasn’t going to be able to have a family, I wouldn't have a happy ending and I would never get to where I thought I would end up. I focused on the pain. I focused on the disappointments. I focused on the unknowns and labeled them as bad. 

One thing I am learning is that just because something is unknown it doesn’t mean it’s bad. SILENCE DOESN’T ALWAYS EQUAL DISAPPOINTMENT, PAIN DOESN'T ALWAYS EQUAL SUFFERING BUT A BAD MINDSET WILL. Stats show that you will end up getting from point A to point B but you determine whether that road is rocky and you focus on that or you overcome and step over. We have a choice to stay in bed and sulk or get up and take a step. We don't have to get up and take a shower look amazing and go conquer the world. Sometimes, all we need to do is get up stand up on our own, see we can then get back in bed. One step at a time. Then the next day you'll get up get dressed then get back in bed. You learn you have the power to keep going, which will give you the courage to conquer your fear. All we need is a few good scenarios to drown out the bad. 

Many of us hate flying for the fact that we don’t have control over our lives. We control our safety 90% of the time until we are fully in the air and relying on someone else's expertise to get us safely back on the ground. It's scary giving up that control. We then have two options. We can freak out and go into panic mode, taking out any and all enjoyment of the ride or we can sit back and eat those delicious pretzels, make a friend and enjoy the view. We are going to make it and end up at our next destination so it's up to us to focus on what we can control and deal with it. 

We can can control getting flu shots, washing our hands, eating healthy and so on but when we get sick we have to face it and deal with it. Wishing for it to go away only makes the pain more noticeable and the hours longer. Managing the pain is different, we face it head on and don't create more resistance during the ride. We can read the safety instruction booklet in case of an emergency we can help ourselves and then we let the rest go. HELP YOURSELF THEN LET IT GO. 

Here I am writing this at work (shhh) at my fairly newish job. I realized I had to get out of bed, I had to get dressed, I had to take the necessary steps to get my mind off the rabbit hole. The pain is still there, the sickness still lingers but it doesn't have a hold on me because im switching my focus. I went from wishing it away to maintaining it and dealing with the cards that were dealt to me. I can't ask for a new deck but play the hell out of the one I have. 

Cancer takes over our bodies, divorce is present, heartbreak is inevitable, pain is guaranteed but suffering isn't. Control the controllables. Read the safety packet, wash your hands, protect your heart, but always remember to enjoy the ride. You will get there but how is up to you. Allow disappointments to propel you instead of stop you. Don’t let your mind take over but control what you can then let it go. 

You are either drowning or swimming, it looks the same to everyone else but its your perception that will dictate which one. Keep going babe, because when you need help someone will be there to save you, you just have to let them. 

Fly Your Flag

Before I make my next statement let me just start off by saying that I absolutely love my parents to death. There was a time however where I dreaded going to dinner with them. Now, at the rightful age of 25 it turns out that I’m the one asking and they’re the ones blowing me off. It’s weird how life comes around. Well, as much as I love them they are embarrassing sometimes. I think they embarrass me on purpose so that I’ll stop third wheeling (ya’ll I got the hint). The recent embarrassing thing that they did was designing a flag for their new home. They just bought their dream home on the river so that my Dad can one day retire and have his boat in his backyard. I never knew my parents knew how to work Etsy till one day I realized we kept getting packages and it wasn’t from the usual Amazon. I, myself had to block my credit card on Etsy because at all hours of the day I would go on and buy matching things for my dog and myself. After buying us matching Christmas pajamas I finally realized I have an issue. I guess you can say my love for buying unnecessary things comes from my dad. Anyways, so one day I saw a package made out to my parents and my nosy self-decided “Hey, what’s theirs is mine and what’s mine is mine”, so I opened the package. To my horror it was a flag my dad designed that had him and my mom on it and giant letters spelling out “Welcome to the Hernandez Dock”. I looked at this flag and hoped someone bought it for them so that I could just easily dispose of it. My dad later called me and to his excitement he goes, “Gena, I found this awesome online place where I can buy anything. I designed a flag for your mother and I and I am going to surprise her”. I tried really hard not to laugh and instead told him how cute it sounded. I couldn’t break his little heart and tell him there is no way he is going to fly that. So now on our new dock we have a flag of my parents on it and to add to the show my Dad got “mood changing lights” for the dock. If anyone is in Virginia and sees a dock changing colors and has some strange couple on a flag flying high and proud, well…. Welcome to the Hernandez’s.

I have to say that I admire my dad for flying a flag high for all to see that has him on it. My worst nightmare would be to look outside my window and see myself waving in the wind. The only time wind is acceptable is if I was in a Beyoncé music video and there was a large fan blowing my luscious locks. The more I think about this flag though the more I realize there is a deeper meaning attached. I have a weird way of pulling lessons out of everything and trying to make it work so hopefully yall get this one.

My dad has taught me a lot through the years and one lesson he taught me is that you have to be your own best friend and cheerleader. Working with my dad I get the blessing of hearing his wise advice on any given day. One day at work he came up to me and asked who I thought was the best salesperson I have ever met. I sat and thought for a few minutes then named off a man I admired who worked at another store. This man was salesperson of the month every month and in fact has been salesperson of the month for the past three years. After I said this guy’s name my dad looked at me like I had a third eye, he loudly said “WHATTTTTT”. I blinked at him and in my head I was thinking “what, I gave you an answer?”. He put his arm around me and told me something I’ll always remember. He said, “Gena, why in the world would you not say yourself? If you don’t think you’re the best then you’re hurting yourself. I will always say I’m the best because if I don’t believe it I’ll never be able to convince anyone likewise”. I told him I knew I wasn’t the best and I wanted to be humble. “humbleness Gena is a great trait to have but an even better trait is loving yourself’. He was right! My dad loves us but he has such a deep love for himself because of this reasoning. He understands that you are with you more than anyone else is with you so why wouldn’t you show yourself the deepest understanding of love and compassion?

We as humans are so quick to judge ourselves. We are all too ready to tell ourselves we can’t do something or we aren’t worthy. We tell ourselves the lie that we play in our heads continuously throughout the day. I know I do this far too often. I doubt myself and question my abilities and my purpose.

When I was going to school to sell cars I would sit in the back of the class and not say a word. My dad owns a store and I didn’t want anyone to know I was his daughter. My whole life I’ve been Jim’s daughter and although I’m so proud to have that title it discredits me a little. I thought everyone would think I was going to use the dad card and that I had nothing to offer besides being his daughter. When people at his store found out I was coming to sell for him some of them even quit because they thought I was going to get treated differently. It really hurt my heart to know people were creating assumptions about me before even meeting me. On the last day of class, they told us about this competition we would all take place in a few months from then. They talked about the final stage of the competition if you were lucky and made it that far. I could honestly tell you I don’t know a thing they said. I immediately stopped listening because I doubted myself and said there was no way I’d make it that far. I’ve never been exceptional at anything and so I thought I’d just float along in this job not making any waves. Well my first month selling cars I sold more than anyone else in the store. I was not only the only woman but I was the newest and youngest salesperson yet I still didn’t believe in myself. Like a lot of you we don’t look at our accomplishments but focus on our failures.

Two months into my selling career the competition took place. We had to show a new vehicle and list off benefits and features the car had. We did the “walk around” in front of judges and they graded all of us. My dad was not involved in the process so that people wouldn’t be able to say he tampered the scores. I was dreading this competition and just wanted to get it over and go back to focus on selling. They called us all in a room and they named third place, and second place. My name was not called and I was not surprised so I just got my fake smile ready for whoever won. They named who won and I looked to the guy who I was expecting to win and he told me “congratulations”. It took me a second to realize they called out my name. I thought they were joking but my dad got this huge smile on his face and called me up. I was stunned. I was moving on to the final round. The final round consisted of 20 other salespersons and may I mention I was once again the only woman AND the youngest. I had the least amount of experience. I knew I wouldn’t even be close to winning so I just tried to enjoy the day. One of the people I was up against won this competition state wide. I was honestly just happy I was getting a free dinner and lunch out of this mess. The competition was streamed live for all the 20 stores in the company to watch. I was going to be live in front of thousands of people going over information I had just recently learned. That’s not scary at all, right? To decide the order, we had to pull a number out of a hat to dictate when we would go. Of course, like a sick joke I pulled out the number 1. I didn’t get to watch anyone before me and steal snazzy sayings because I was first. All the other mangers and the head of the company were sitting in a room watching us go. My dad was in that room so I wanted to make him proud and just give it my all with no expectations attached. Four hours later after everyone went the managers and owner of the company came into the room all the contestants were in. They named the top 5 starting with number 5. Fifth place was named and of course to no surprise I wasn’t named. The fourth place was called out and the guy who won it state wide was called up. Now it was time for the top three and I just sat there ready to clap for whoever won and to get in my car and go home. The competition was over an hour away so I had been staying at a hotel with the other contestants. They called out third place and I just remember my dad walking up to me in front of everyone and with tears in his eyes and hugged me. I GOT THIRD PLACE! Ok, you may be thinking third isn’t that great but its third out of over 1,500 employees and this was just my second month in the industry. I couldn’t believe it. Never in a million years did I think I would make it to the final round AND place.

That competition wasn’t just a competition to me but a huge lesson. I walked into that competition with my head down expecting nothing. I doubted my worth and therefor thought it was impossible for me to do well. After that competition I finally started to believe in myself and take myself seriously.

My whole life I have been the jokester and the one in the group that didn’t take life too seriously. Most of the time though my jokes were pointed at myself because I had really low self-esteem. I decided to make fun of myself first to save me from others doing it. I was bullied a lot so I decided to make jokes of it to hide the pain. Some days I didn’t even like looking in the mirror. I had no plans for my future because I didn’t think I’d be capable to do anything. Talk about depressing!

A lot of people have the same syndrome I had and still struggle with, that being self-doubt and low self-esteem. We hide in the back, underestimate ourselves, and doubt our capabilities. We don’t look at our accomplishments the same way others do. A great example of our thinking comes from a Forrest Gump quote which is the quote I used for my senior yearbook. Forrest says, “I don't know if mama was right, that we each have a destiny, or if it was Lt Dan, that we are all just floating around, accidental, like on a breeze, but I think... I think... maybe... it's both happening at the same time.” I believed I was just floating in the breeze with no clear path or destination.

Why do we think this? Why do we tell ourselves this? And why do we believe it’s true? I believe that love conquers all but before we get to that love we are just aiming at what society is telling us. I like metaphors because it helps me put something abstract into real life. So, think of it like this, you have a bow an arrow and your goal is to obviously hit the target. WHAT YOU SHOOT FOR IS WHAT DEFINES YOU, IT’S CRUCIAL. You have the option of trying to hit moving targets that have no pattern in the way they move. They are unpredictable in where they will go next. Or, you can hit one solid, stationary, concrete target that will never move or change. The obvious thing to do is hit the standing target that is not going to change its path on you. However, everyday we choose the moving ones, the unstable ones. The unstable targets are the goals society puts out for us, “Couple goals”, “image goals”, “job goals” etc.… Goals that society places on us are always changing year after year. Once you get the newest high-tech phone a few months later the papers tell you an even better one is out..its non stop. We can’t hold onto societal goals because they’re unstable, we can’t dictate the path they’re going on. It’s a false foundation yet we aim for them and let them ultimately define us.

The stationary target that will always be there and never change on you is God’s promise. God promises if we give ourselves to Him then He will give us the desires of our heart. He is always working on the good for and in us even if we don’t see it. All we have to do is aim for Him and His promise and we will be defined by truth that is stable in the word. Outside influences only add to our doubt and self-esteem, it empties us. God however fills us up and allows our cup to overflow. ALWAYS AIM FOR GOD WHO IS NEVER CHANGING RATHER THEN THE UNSTABLE VIEWS OF SOCIETY.

I bring up this metaphor because its crucial we end our old patterns and begin again new with God. Every day he saves us and wipes our slate clean. We don’t have to carry around those heavy thoughts, feelings, and burdens that drag us down day in and out. If we know what and how we want to be defined and we have a clear understanding of how to get there then we will start to experience a rebirth of greatness.

Go back now to the hideous flag my Dad bought my mom for their new home. I mentioned how I would be horrified to see my face on anything none the less something for all to see. The lesson my Dad taught me through this flag is that we have to fly our flag high. YOU MUST FLY YOUR OWN FLAG BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WILL. What does flying your flag mean? Flying your flag is the act of being confident in who you are and what you can do. DON’T BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF BUT LIFT YOURSELF HIGH FOR ALL TO SEE. My Dad’s face on this flag flying in the backyard is a constant reminder to lift myself up and to be proud of what defines me. We get this confidence to do so by aiming our target on our never changing God and stop aiming at society. Believe in yourself. Sit in the front of the class, hold your head high, strive to win the competition (for you), and begin to feel the washing away of societal terms. Always think about what you’re putting your worth in. If its not forever stable and the only thing being that is God then it will rip your flag apart. His love and promise is like wind lifting us up and making us a site to see.

I hope one day you get the chance to see our colorful mood lighting dock with that flag that I now define as life changing. I hope you find the right target and you allow the right things to define who you are. I hope you begin to see you’re incredible worth and capabilities. The flag went from embarrassment and shame to beautiful and wise. Allow yourself to be free from the same embarrassment and shame. FLY HIGH AND ALWAYS PUT YOUR FLAG UP.

The Dust Collector

“We learn conflicts are a part of reality, and we learn new ways to resolve them instead of running from them.”

How many of us with a show of hands can say we run from feelings or pain? In case y’all are wondering I’m holding up both of my hands right now. I was the master of running from feeling. Feelings scared the shit out of me, so I would pack up my denial bag and runaway. For example, my move to Texas wasn’t TO Austin but FROM Williamsburg because I was running, and I thought a new location would breed new results, wrong. Have you ever changed people, places, or things in order to run and be in denial of how you really feel? You went through a traumatic event like a death, breakup, divorce, you were kicked out or denied by your family, fill in any event that hurt you or made you feel here if I didn’t name it. We (I) would pack it up, put it in a nice box on the shelf and leave it there to acquire as much dust as possible because let’s admit it when we runaway we stop worrying about everyday things like cleaning or taking care of ourselves. The more dust that was collected on that box the more I didn’t feel worthy. In return I started to treat myself as someone who wasn’t worthy. What does that look like? Well, I give up the little things. I gave up caring about my self-appearance, writing, going to church…little things that made me who I was. Once we see a perfect place for a hole we tend to keep digging till we are all the way down in it to the point we must face reality. I did everything to avoid reality and my emotional state as it was. It’s like a horse with blinders on, we (I) shield ourselves from anything that we “think” won’t move us forward yet we are missing all the warning signs that are on the side. Have you given up little things? Do you have a nice box on the shelf acquiring dust of guilt and shame? Are you running with your bag of denial? Have you missed the warning signs on the side because you’re shielding yourself from seeing the true picture? If you answered yes to any of the above questions then know you’re not alone, I’m in the boat with you.

When I was living in Williamsburg I didn’t feel accepted or like I could be true to myself and if you’ve ever experienced this feeling you know how much it can kill your soul. I came out as “gay” and I use the parenthesis because I don’t like to limit myself to a word or put myself in a box. WE GET SO CAUGHT UP TRYING TO LABEL OURSELVES THAT WE HIDE THE TRUE US. I was hiding and because I was in hiding I started to throw myself a pity party and guess who I invited in? Self-doubt, extreme self-worth issues, low self-esteem, anger, sadness, and betrayal. Woah is that a lot of crap to invite to a party. If I got invited to that party I would say “hell no, I don’t want to go to that sucky party” yet I was the one throwing it. I WAS THROWING A PARTY FOR MY OWN GUILT, SHAME, AND DENIAL. Not only was I throwing this party but because I didn’t care about the little things there wasn’t anything there to benefit from, no small handheld heart shaped sandwiches, no brownies, no cake, friends, presents, nothing to make it a place that others would want to join me in. So, there I sat at my own party, alone and hungry, looking for more.

I’ve always had feelings of self-doubt and a problem with loving myself, but it manifested in Austin because I was alone with no family, or support system which equals a dangerous combination. I was having the worst time because I just didn’t get it; I moved away from the place that was “hurting” me and YET I was still feeling the same way. NOOOO SHIT GENA!! Changing places if any of you have tried does not work because guess what, you’re still stuck with you. IT’S NOT THE PLACE, PERSON, OR THING THAT’S DIGGING THE HOLE FOR YOU BUT YOU. I just carried my shit from one state to the other and wondered why nothing changed. In order to change our circumstances most of the time it not the circumstance we need to change but us and how we view it. Even if we move the box is still on the shelf because most of the time we don’t want to carry it with us. I started to drink more, doubt more, seek gratification more, and slowly I lost who I was and was trying to be. WHEN WE DENY OUR FEELILNGS WE ARE DENYING THE VERY THING GOD GAVE US TO CONNECT TO HIM. This bible verse sums it up perfectly, “Therefore since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess, FOR WE DO NOT HAVE A HIGH PRIEST WHO IS UNABLE TO SYMPOTHIZE WITH OUR WEAKNESS, BUT WE HAVE ONE WHO HAS BEEN TEMPTED IN EVERY WAY, JUST AS WE ARE-YET WAS WITHOUT SIN. Let us then approach the throne with GRACE and CONFIDENCE, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need -Hebrews 4:14-16.” It says right there in the bible that Jesus felt, and not only did he feel but he felt EVERY emotion we as humans have or do feel now. If the perfect one felt, then what makes us think we can avoid it? How are we superior? We (I) sure do act like I am. Not only is it okay to feel but when we do we can approach the throne with GRACE AND CONFIDENCE because no matter what we did or how we feel about ourselves God overlooks and forgives. He is obsessed with us and we can be confident about that even if we aren’t confident about ourselves.

IN ORDER TO GET OVER SOMETHING WE MUST GO THROUGH IT. We can’t cheat our way through life because our bag of denial will get so heavy and our hole so big that we will become stuck and that’s when we have to make a choice. God is a wiling God who allows us to have the power of choice. We have to consciously choose everyday to look what we fear in the eye and say, “I can, and I will handle this and get through this”. We must admit we are powerless under God and give him all our insecurities because He’s waiting for you to hand him the bag and be free of the weight, but we are often too self-centered and focused on the bad that we don’t see his hand reaching out. How good would that feel to have the weight of denial; the box of shame and guilt be gone so you can live in the here and now and be happy? Sometimes we get so used to being unhappy that we think it’s impossible to see the light. Well, every tunnel has an opening and if you keep your foot on the gas and choose to keep going the light will appear again. YOU ARE NOT STUCK. You may hit a traffic jam in the tunnel, but it will always clear. In AA they read these promises every meeting and it says it all. It reads, “IF WE ARE PAINSTAKING ABOUT THIS PHASE OF OUR DEVELOPMENT, WE WILL BE AMAZED BEFORE WE ARE HALF WAY THROUGH. WE ARE GOING TO KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS. WE WILL NOT REGRET THE PAST NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. WE WILL COMPREHEND THE WORD SERENITY AND WE WILL KNOW PEACE. NO MATTER HOW FAR DOWN THE SCALE WE HAVE GONE WE WILL SEE HOW OUR EXPERIENCES CAN BENEFIT OTHERS. THAT FEELILNGS OF USELESNESS AND SELF-PITY WILL DISSAPEAR. WE WILL LOSE INTEREST IN SELFISH THINGS AND GAIN INTREST IN OUR FELLOWS. SELF-SEEKING WILL SLIP AWAY. OUR WHOLE ATTITUDE UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE. FEAR OF PEOPLE AND OF ECONOMIC INSECURITY WILL LEAVE US. WE WILL INTUITIVELY KNOW HOW TO HANDLE SITUATIONS THAT USED TO BAFFLE US. WE WILL SUDDENTLY REALIZE THAT GOD IS DOING FOR US WHAT WE COULD NOT DO FOR OURSELVES. THEY ARE BEING FUFILLED AMONG US SOMETIMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES SLOWLY. THEY WILL ALWAYS MATERALIZE IF WE WORK FOR THEM.”

Let’s break down what we just read into several parts that are important to keep in the forefront of our brain.

1.      We have to be painstaking about this phase of development. We must choose every day to face what life is throwing at us and not hide it. It says in the word that its going to be painful, but we have to work on our feelings and emotions everyday because they are a constant so our work but must be constant.

2.      We are going to know a new freedom. When we hand over that bag of denial, when we give away our box or put up the shovel we will find a release and a freedom in that. Like a baptism we will be made clean again once we face the things that are making us unclean. We won’t feel like we are walking around with a ball and chain anymore, we will be free at last.

3.      No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experiences can benefit others. We feel pain sometimes so that others don’t have to. If we don’t water ourselves, we won’t be able to water others which is part of loving life Jesus. No matter how much we have messed up or how deep our hole is we will realize that through this new freedom we will set others free. We are never too deep or too lost to be found again.

4.      We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. We aren’t powerful enough to handle the shit that is thrown at us if we do it alone. We were never meant to go through situations alone, so we have to give it to a higher power, God. Once we give him our defects of character, our insecurities he will do for us what we thought was impossible at one point. All things are possible through Him.

5.      They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. We often swerve from our lane and try and join someone else’s lane or try and keep up with them. We all feel differently and handle situations and emotions differently, so we cannot compare. Everyone is on a different chapter. God doesn’t work on our time but His so you can’t give up if it isn’t immediate. Sometimes he wants us to work for it so that may look like days, months, years, all depends on His will for you. What we can’t do is give up if it isn’t happening in our time. Happiness, joy, love, self-worth doesn’t just come easily but it won’t come at all if you give up. We give up on God all the time, but He has never once given up on us. Stay in your lane and keep your lane clean.

We can get through these emotions we just have to take one thing out of the box at a time. It’s a gradual process, hear that word again, process. You will find a new freedom when you deal with your emotions and you will be a new light so don’t give up on yourself or others. Keep fighting for your happiness and don’t take your foot off the gas petal because the light is ahead. Here is one last quote for you to think about that really touches me by my favorite Brene Brown, “ONLY WHEN WE ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO EXPLORE THE DARKNESS WILL WE DISCOVER THE INFINITE POWER OF OUR LIGHT”. Don’t be scared to face the darkness because only then will you be set free. You are loved, and you are worthy.

Your friend,

Gena Rose

Fight Your Fight

Part of being a writer and feeling called to do so means that you have to get out of your comfort zone. We can’t write about topics if we don’t own our own story. We have to first set ourselves free before doing so for others. Writing makes you vulnerable and open to the elements of criticism but in the act it opens up your soul for change and growth. I have to own my story and part of my story is depression and dealing with it every day. See, depression doesn’t come at a certain time of day, I can’t tell you when it will start and when it will stop. It has its own mind and agenda leaving us vulnerable in its wake. It does not segregate, it is cruel and loves everyone the same, it’s like a sick joke. So many people battle with depression everyday but they burry it deep inside. Society tells us that depression is wrong, that we are weak, that it’s a choice. I am here to tell you that not only is depression not a choice but that its real and the way it makes us feel is real but most importantly YOU ARE STRONGER BECAUSE OF YOUR DEPRESSION.

Depression is different because you can’t see it, its invisible to the outside world. Depression doesn’t have to come in the form of tears or sadness but it can look like a smile or a laugh. When I tell people, I have depression they don’t believe me because I am always smiling. I’ve had many people ask, “are you always happy?” my response is “I wish”. We hide our depression in everyday life, in everyday clothes, in everyday activities. Its not like the commercials where its black and white, the person can’t get out of bed, its obvious. Yes, many times I can’t get out of bed but the thing is that when I do I fake it. You know the phrase “fake it till you make it”….we are the epitome of that saying. You won’t know I struggle every day because I don’t want you to know. It’s a shame that we feel that way, that I feel that way. Why do we hide something that weighs so heavily in our life? What we have to realize is that depression doesn’t define us it’s just one piece of our puzzle. I AM NOT MY DEPRESSION. I AM NOT THE DAYS I CAN’T GET OUT OF BED. I AM NOT THE PAIN I FEEL DAILY. What am I? what are you? Easy, a fighter.

People who are quiet are often times the ones facing the biggest struggles that you don’t know of. You never know what someone is going through because we put out the best version of ourselves. We hide our shame, and our vulnerabilities in our room hoping that they don’t follow us like a shadow. We feel like if people knew we struggle with depression then they’ll think we are weak. Maybe people will think it’s because we aren’t trying hard enough or we are lazy and playing the victim. Yes, anyone who struggles with depression is a victim of a bully but, that bully is weaker than you think and never wins. You are more than a victim, you are a fighter. Don’t ever for a second feel defeated because you didn’t have to get out of bed…but you did. You didn’t have to go to work but you did….We may not be happy during everyday activities but that’s not the goal, the goal is to try, to keep fighting. SHOW UP…that’s all I’m asking you to do is to show up for life and show up for God to work in your life.

We were never meant to fight depression alone. God made woman so man could have someone to support and love him. We are meant to help each other so stop pushing away people because you are ashamed. Depression is real but what else is real? Love and people LOVE YOU. Let people pour into you because depression is lonely enough. Don’t be afraid to ask for help because the person next to you is quietly screaming for help. Its like when you take a test and you’re the first one finished. Nobody likes to be the first person to walk up to the front of the room to turn in the test. You look around the room, observe others and then finally after sitting there finished for several minutes someone else is the first one to walk up and turn in their test. One by one the students emerge and turns out you were all finished you were just waiting for the first person. Depression is like the same thing, we are all looking around hoping someone will admit it first and then maybe we will come forward but turns out all around us people are waiting too.

People say to us, “go for a walk”, “go watch a funny movie”, “go hangout with friends”, and the worst one “Try harder”. Depression isn’t just something that passes the time because in reality it makes time slow down. Yes, we should be constantly working on it and doing things that make us happy but it doesn’t just go away. Stop hurting others by telling them to “try harder”. The worst thing to do is to see someone who has depression and put their depression on them. We should be going out and walking, being social and working on ourselves but don’t minimize the person and their depression. Depression makes us feel lonely enough so stop putting it on the person. Motivate, support, and push them but remember the fine line of pushing and ignoring someone’s REAL feelings.

Stop feeling bad for something that is completely normal. God wanted to feel in man form so he sent Jesus to experience our everyday pains. God understands because his Son went through it. Stop limiting God and his help because he already knows how it feels. He is not this out of touch God living in a far away land but a God who loves us, cries for us, and hurts for us. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of because when sin entered the world God knew depression was inevitable. We didn’t put sin and depression in our life but we can open that space up for God to take control of it. Don’t compartmentalize God by only allowing Him into some of your life but give Him full control. WE CAN’T REWRITE OUR BEGINNING BUT WE CAN WRITE THE ENDING. Write your ending by fighting, by giving it to God, and by loving yourself.

We all have a little kid in us that we beat up daily. We think we aren’t good enough, worthy, valuable. We burry that spark in our soul with doubt and fear. The thing we should be doing the most is loving ourselves and that includes ourselves with depression. Loving yourself means seeing all of you, and accepting all of you. You don’t have to accept the depression but YOU MUST accept the fight. Someone once told me, “You think you have it bad then you tell everyone to put their hurt in the middle of the room and I guarantee you will be the first one running to pick yours back up”. We all have a different battle but we are all fighting. We can’t give up because when we do that we let the depression win and he is far too eager to win. FIGHT YOUR FIGHT BUT ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS. Be realistic in your thinking because the child in you has been hurt far too many times. Nurture your inner soul and watch it take care of you.

YOU ARE SO BRAVE AND STRONG. Depression is a chapter in your book, keep it limited to that chapter. Never underestimate yourself because you were born to fight, and fight you will do. Love yourself and others because we are all just trying to do this thing called life. Don’t be ashamed but start speaking your truth and your story. The more you speak to it the more it will set you and others free. Your story is beautiful and worth being told.

Get Out of the Bathroom

I have a problem that a 25 year old (woah I’m 25) should not have. I am a homebody and when I say I’m a homebody I mean it. I am not a big fan of going out. The perfect night for me would be staying in curled up in bed with some wine and my computer to write. I hate hate hate making plans because 90% of the time I don’t want to go when it comes time. See, my sister is the complete opposite in where she has to be out and about, she hates staying home. She does well in crowds and actually thrives off of them where a crowd is my worst nightmare. I’ll give you an example of how different we are. When I sold cars and worked for my Dad he would always ask me to do public events so that I would network and be the face of the dealership. My dad somehow talked me into doing a network event where a bunch of business people in Williamsburg met up and just talked. I think the only reason I said yes was because they had free wine and food. Well not even 10 minutes into it I’m sitting in the bathroom eating a cupcake and calling my mom telling her I was miserable. I literally locked myself in the bathroom for an hour so that I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I was so awkward talking to people because I was one of the youngest people there and I didn’t want to stand around talking about expensive wines and the closing down of shops (literally all anyone talked about).  Meanwhile my sister is there and talking to literally everyone at the event and she even stayed past the time it ended to talk to more people. I told my Dad that even if he paid me I would never go to an event like that again.

The reason I don’t like that I’m a homebody is because I miss a lot of things. I make myself unavailable to people and situations by simply saying no and staying in. My sister met so many amazing people at this event that I did not have any contact with because I stayed in the bathroom. She got offered to go on a free wine tour after meeting someone who owned a vineyard, I was so jealous. If I had only been available to new people and situations I would have gotten something out of that event.

Are you available to God? I wasn’t. What does it mean to be available to God? It means you say yes to the people and situations He puts in your life. Everything is part of Gods plan so that person asking you to hangout, it’s not a simple hangout but an invitation from God. Everything that comes into our life is an invitation from the big man upstairs to participate in his blessings. By us saying no to people we are ultimately saying no to God. I have said no to God more times than I would like to admit. THE LESS AVAILABLE WE ARE TO PEOPLE THE LESS AVAILABLE GOD’S BLESSINGS ARE TO US. We walk through life with a closed fist and wonder why we don’t see or feel God. God hides himself in the people we meet, and the situations and environments that surround us.

When we say no to people we are cutting off the plug to connect us to others through God. So many people need Him in their life but may not be aware to it. By using saying no to catch up with them, get dinner, and or go to the movies, we are ultimately extinguishing the flame. That person you said no to could be asking for God and God sent you but you don’t know unless you go or say yes. Think about it.. how many times in your life have you asked for something and God sent a person?  You were only blessed by them when they made themselves available to you. What if the people throughout your life who made you who you were didn’t meet up with you that one day you needed or didn’t call back when you were struggling? We do this to others all the time and play it off as us being tired or too busy but is God ever tired or too busy for us? If God isn’t too busy than what makes us think we can use that excuse? We need to live in a life of “yes” because only then will we see the full picture that God painted.

When I was in Nicaragua on the bus I asked my small group leader then to sit and pray with me. In that moment of her praying over me I felt God so strongly that my life changed after that moment. I think back to that day and wonder if I would have the relationship with God that I have today if she told me she couldn’t talk right then or that she was busy. Everything is spirit led but we have the ability unfortunately to close off that communication by saying no. God gives us the tools and people we need but we ignore what he puts in our life because it’s easier to stay home, keep to ourselves, and make excuses. We have turned down so many blessings for us and opportunities to bless others because we are too focused on “I”. We must always put God first and make ourselves second, our wants and needs second. It won’t be until we put God first that it will be easier to say yes and live a life of abundance. BLESSINGS CAN ONLY BE RECEIVED AND GIVEN WHEN WE COME SECOND. No is always the easiest response to something that makes us uncomfortable but it’s in the uncomfortable situations that we grow the most. DON’T SAY NO TO SOMETIHNG THAT WILL GROW YOU.

When you do make yourself available it is imperative that it’s for the right people. We become what we surround ourselves with. If we make ourselves available to people or things that are destructive that negative energy will come into our lives. I’m not saying you can’t help certain people but that you’re aware of what you’re feeding your life with. What you put in is what you get out. When making yourself available for God don’t mistake your wants for God’s wants. If you truly put God first then the right people will surround you. If you follow your wants and describe them as God’s calling well, that’s when you enter into dangerous territory. The people you make yourself available to should build you up and encourage you, highlight God’s blessings instead of cover them up. You should never have to question if the right people are in fact the right people because God will make it clear. If you aren’t sure if someone should be in your life then chances are they shouldn’t be.

 Making yourself available isn’t all rainbows and butterflies either. When we follow God we are opening ourselves up more to the devil. The closer we are to God the harder the devil will try. Yes, God calls you to make yourself available but he doesn’t tell us its all fine after that. Just because something is spirit led it doesn’t make it easier. WHEN YOU MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE IT IS INEVITABLE THAT YOU ALSO ARE MAKING YOURSELF AVAILABLE FOR HARD TIMES. We become vulnerable and any time we open our heart there is a chance of getting hurt. However, God’s hurt and human hurt are two different things. God’s hurt brings us closer to glory because its calling us. Earthly hurt is when we hurt ourselves and it doesn’t better us. With God’s hurt it sucks but its working for the best for us and in us. God’s hurt holds the bigger picture. Know that you will experience hurt because Jesus calls us into the uncomfortable but don’t let the hurt scare you away from loving others. Don’t ever let hurt harden your heart because its working for you.

This week I challenge yourself to say “yes” to something that you would normally say no to. When you do be in the present and feel God’s glory. Use yourself as a conduit for God’s love. Watch as new people and opportunities open themselves up to you. When you feel the devil attacking keep going because you are doing something right. Do not hide in the bathroom but get out there and be available….who knows you may get a free wine tour out of it.

Wear Your High-Tops

I have gone all 25 years of my life without getting into a physical fight with anyone. I am more of a lover than a fighter and that’s not just because I lived in Virginia. Although I have never taken part in a fight I have had someone fight an individual on my behalf. This story goes back to the awkward years of high school where I was still learning about who I was. In high school our main objective mostly is to “be cool”, whether we had the coolest clothes, significant other, and or car. Literally everything took part of the mathematical equation of how to be a cool kid. One morning I woke up and decided I was going to change my preppy girl look into a cool hipster look, when back then being hipster wasn’t as cool as it is now. I put on my sister’s metallic silver high top Nikes and a white-T and headed to school. I was nervous about the shoes because I didn’t think I could pull them off but I wanted to so badly. The day was going fine, normal day just like any other when this girl walked up to me. Every high school or group has that one girl who has no filter, stirs the pot, and gets drama going. This lovely lady walked right up to me in my sister’s Nikes and said, “ummm what makes you think you can pull those off?”….My shy self literally shut down. I didn’t know what to say back because I took it so harshly. Later on in the day I was still upset and felt stupid wearing the shoes, I just wanted to go home and take them off. My friend noticed something was wrong at lunch when I was dead quiet. I told her what had happened but before I could finish she stormed away to another table in the lunch room. She walked right up to the girl and started screaming at her. Literally like a scene from a movie the lunch room got dead silent and all eyes were on the two girls. As they were screaming my name at one another I slid farther and farther down in my seat. I couldn’t believe someone would fight for me, that they cared that much about how I felt.

As I sit here today and think about the fight I realized that there is only one other person who has ever fought for me. My friend hurt for me and felt my pain so she decided to take matters into her own hands. I think how lucky am I that I have someone who loves me like that but guess what….someone loves you that much too. Someone is fighting for you not only when situations occur but every second of every day; they are fighting in your name. Who is this amazing person you may ask? Well…it’s God. In Exodus 14:14 the bible states, “The Lord Himself will fight for you, just stay calm”. We are all sitting in the lunch room of life, surrounded by good and bad people and things. When something bad happens though we don’t have to take action because he is already across the room fighting for us. We can wear our metallic silver high tops and not have to worry about anything because He has us.

As long as you are yourself people are going to try and hurt you. Pain is inevitable but that shouldn’t stop you from being who you are. God loves our high tops, he loves everything about us. There are no terms or conditions to His love; He loves us because we exist. When his child is hurt he hurts for them. Jesus hurt for us on the cross, He sent his son to die and fight for us. Jesus dying on the cross was the ultimate fight, and the fight continues every day. You may feel like you are in the ring and are getting beat up but you aren’t alone. Every blow you take God takes two. He takes the punches and softens life for us by his never ending love for us. You don’t have to ask Him to fight for you just like I didn’t ask my friend. He will automatically step into action to help you for the better.

After my friend fought for me the situation didn’t change, I was still stuck wearing the shoes and felt like I still took a blow. However, I was so overwhelmed by my friends love for me that it gave me the confidence I needed to get through the rest of the day. My situation did not change but my attitude towards the situation changed. God works in the same way. We still might have to wear our ugly shoes for the rest of the day but he will give us the tools we need to make it through.

God right now is fighting for you. The most powerful being that ever existed is fighting your fight. He is getting bruised and bloody so that you don’t have to. He makes the ultimate sacrifice so His children can carry on. How powerful is that love! He takes the blows for us happily because his love is unfailing. You are not alone in the ring but in there with the best fighter known to man. Next time you get hit remember that the blow was softened for you. Remain humble and rock those silver high tops.

The Potter

In high school I took an art class because I knew it was an easy A and all my friends would be in the class. I hate doing anything artsy because I am not good at it. I wanted to be in this class because if I had to decide between math and sucking at art I choose the art. This class brought out the worst in me when it came to doing pottery. We had to create pots and bowls with clay, starting from scratch. I had to take this lump of land and make it into something you could eat out of. I kid you not, every dang pot, pan, mug, whatever it was it would always crack in the furnace. Just when I was feeling good about how it would turn out the teacher would take it out and boom there it was a giant crack or several little ones all over.

Life is like the art of pottery; it’s all about turning the dirt that we came from and turning into something that can be used. WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO BE USED. God is the potter, forming us with his hands. Take a moment and think this through with me… God is forming us from the dirt, he has a vision, and he knows what the end product will be. We are the clay (dirt) we don’t know what’s in the mind of the creator all we know is that we are the creation. WE MAY NOT KNOW THE FINAL OUTCOME OF WHO OR WHAT WE WILL BE BUT THE CREATOR HAS A BIGGER VISION AND PLAN. He knows what parts to put together, how much clay to take out, how much water to use; he knows what he is doing. THE CREATION WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE CREATOR SEES BUT THE CREATION CAN FEEL THE CREATOR WORK ON THEM. We can feel him molding us by our pits and peaks. Sometime he has to take clay away to make the pot better for His final outcome. This is why sometimes God takes things out of our life, it’s too much clay and it doesn’t have a place to be in our final creation. Sometimes, there isn’t enough clay to make the pot so he begins to add more clay (new friends, new situations, new beginnings). HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THE POT NEEDS, TRUST HIM. YOU ARE IN THE BEST ARTIST’S HANDS.

Like my pots, we have cracks. God molds us then allows us to enter into the world before he is done with us. We are tested in the furnace and sometimes we crack. God allows cracks to happen because he allows us to make our own decisions. Sometimes we crack but the thing is God knows we will crack, just like me and how I knew every one of my pots was going to crack; God knows the same thing. Our cracks though are all different, different shapes, sizes, and in different places. Our cracks give us character they show that we’ve been through the fire and we made it out. The cracks don’t stop us from being a bowl; we are still what God made us out to be. NO MATTER HOW MANY CRACKS WE HAVE WE CAN STILL BE USED.

 Our cracks set us apart, we all have had different situations that formed that crack. A crack for me is self-doubt, that was formed by me being bullied. Another crack of mine is breakups and failed relationships. I have a crack from each heartbreak I've been through. We all have different things that have hurt us, cracked our foundation, made us do something that wasn't right. Whatever that crack is know that although all our cracks are different we are bonded by the fact that we have all cracked. You aren't alone. The bowl next to you is cracked, it’s just in a place you can’t see. Don’t ever judge yourself that you have a crack because as soon as sin was introduced cracks were inevitable. Though we are all different we are bonded by the fact that we all sin. All our sin is different but at the end of the day sin is sin.

What are your cracks? What furnace of life are you in? take the time to understand each and every crack because although they do not define us they have the power to teach us. God has His hand in everything, all things come together to work for you. All your cracks will come together to build you, make you stronger. We may not know what exactly we will be used for but that doesn’t stop us from being used. Make yourself available and useable by opening your heart to God. Allow him to work in your life, mold you. Allow him to be the potter and allow yourself to be the instrument that connects the two worlds. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL CREATION MADE TO CHANGE AND IMPACT THE WORLD YOU ARE LIVING IN. SEE THE MASTERPIECE THAT YOU ARE, YOU ARE PERFECTLY MADE.

Dear Friend

I was in the uber last night getting a ride home from the airport when I engaged in a conversation with my driver. He was a pleasant older man in his 50s (sorry dad) who was the lucky one that got to pick me up. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home after traveling for 14 hours. We started talking about life and he told me that his grandfather always told him “boy, you can be scared as hell but don’t for a second ever show your fear”. I paused for a moment and thought about what his grandfather had told him. I asked him if that was hard to hear and he told me that he has never cried in front of anyone due to what his grandfather instilled in him at such a young age. My heart ached for my driver as a little boy and now having been told to never show his fear. To be told he has to always be tough, never cry, always be the strong one. What a huge burden to have and what a huge burden so many people still feel today. I know he isn’t the only person who has been told this and it makes me sad to think about.

I got home still thinking about what he told me when my good friend facetimed me. This is a human that is always so strong and scared to show weakness. I could see the pain in her eyes yet she was holding it all in. I told her to cry; in fact I wanted her to cry because we are not made to hold everything in. I tried to comfort her but sometimes my words are better written so today this is a letter to my friend and to all those people out there who are hanging on, who are scared of showing weakness, who need someone to tell them it’s ok. This is to you,

Dear Friend, today I write to you to remind you what life is all about and what life entails. Life is never rainbows and butterflies; in fact it really sucks sometimes. To get to the mountain we first must have to walk through the valley. The valley, that low place is uncomfortable and sometimes, well most of the time it is scary as well. See we think that showing emotion makes us weak but in fact it does quite the opposite. I like to think of the bible verse “For when I am weak then I am strong” in 2 Corinthians 12:10. A lot of people don’t understand how we can be strong when we are weak, it’s a tough concept. The thing is that we have a God who has been through all the emotions we have been through. He was a feeling God in Jesus so he knows what it’s like to be in the valley. When we admit these feelings to Him we become strong because He then becomes strong for us. It’s like in Remember the Titans where one side says “left side” and the other side replies “strong side”….God is our strong side. Just because God is our strong side doesn’t mean we have to hide our weak side. We all go through struggles and God knows that, He expects that, because He has planned them. God uses all hardships for His glory, even the ones He didn’t plan. His hand is in everything, nothing happens without being used to better you.

I know right now you are praying and praying hard. It can be so easy to be mad at God for not answering your prayers but always remember this…HE MAY NOT CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE BUT HE WILL CHANGE YOU IN THE CIRCUMSTANCE. Your prayer may not be answered the way you think but it’s still being answered. He works on our insides while we pray for the outside parts.  The thing is that if our insides never change it doesn’t matter how the situation pans out. It starts from within and that isn’t like a giant neon sign so it’s easy to think nothing is happening. Become silent, take the time to be still and listen to what your insides are telling you. Get rid of the distractions and focus on what is not seen. A miracle is taking place inside you but only you can find it and use it.

I know you are mad at God and you know what, that’s ok. God knows we are going to get mad at Him. He is a big boy and can take it so yell, scream, get it out. Tell God exactly how you feel because He already knows it He is just waiting for you to give it to Him. It’s ok to be mad at God but it’s not okay to let Him go. Be mad but keep Him close, don’t shut Him out. If you shut God out you will only be hurting yourself. The important thing is that you don’t yell at God standing up cause then you’re putting yourself first. Humble yourself, kneel and yell, remember the power of the one you’re talking to and put yourself second. Never stand and talk to Him when you can kneel.

Bad things happen, you can’t escape from it. You don’t deserve what is going on in your life. You are going through tough stuff and it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to cry, its ok to want to stay in bed for a few more hours. When bad things happen we have to feel it, we have to get honest with the situation and be in it. The hurt, the pain, we have to feel it in order to move on. If you don’t feel the emotions from an event you’ll always live and carry that event with you. God meets us in our pain; He is there so join Him. I know it’s scary to let yourself feel but it’s a gift God gives us to feel Him. He doesn’t let us see Him so he sends us emotions to connect to Him. Step into the uncomfortable, step into the pain then be silent and allow God to work in you and through you. You can’t get over the pain unless you go through the pain.

 Tears are a gift God gave to us; He gave us a way to express ourselves without words because He knows that sometimes human words can’t explain a Godly situation. Jesus wept, so why can’t we? Why must we hide it? Go and cry, allow God into your pain. The next sentence is important so listen up. MEET GOD IN YOUR PAIN BUT THEN MOVE ON; DON’T STAY IN THE VALLEY WHEN HE IS CALLING YOU TO THE MOUNTAIN. You need to feel the pain but then you need to keep walking, keep taking a step forward. It doesn’t end in the pain so don’t make it your final destination. It’s like a connecting flight, you need to get on it but it’s not your final destination, it only takes you there.

Friend, you will get through this. You are braver than what you believe, stronger than what you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know. God is with you, He is in you. You are not alone although you may feel it; you are not being punished although you may believe it. Silence the devil telling you to give up, you will not give you, you cannot give up. You may be on the connecting flight but you’ll land soon so just hold on. Kneel and become still, take a deep look inside because things are shifting, they are taking shape inside your heart. Don’t look for the giant neon sign but the little breeze in the wind, the sun in the sky, that smile on the stranger. It’s ok to show weakness because when you do you’ll become strong. You’re going to get over it by getting through it. You have a community that loves you and a Father that is working for you. Your situation may linger but you’ll gain the strength you need to handle it. Be patient, remain open, and know that you my friend are so beyond loved.

Truly,

Gena Rose

The Journey of Strength

Two years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. This is not me being dramatic but instead honest with myself and others. December 13, 2015, just two days after I graduated college I found myself in Texas for the first time and at the lowest point I had been in my life in years. I still remember the pain of that day and the next couple months to follow. Last year to celebrate being in a better place I laid flowers on parked cars at the local mall. Today I celebrate by writing this, by sharing my pain and my joy with you, by sharing my story. You see two years ago I thought I would never be here, I wanted so badly to be here but I thought it was impossible. This message is for all those people who once felt lost or maybe still do because I want to tell you your story doesn’t end there, its just the beginning. I sure as hell am not in a perfect place and won’t lie to you and say that I am but the fact I have the strength to be okay with that is what I gained. I gained strength.

Two years ago I got lost in someone, someone who I buried my pain in. Someone who was the intangible thing that I thought if maybe I got it then I was ok or loveable. I didn’t think I was someone others could love so I latched onto anybody who showed interest. I don’t blame this person for everything that happened because at the end of the day I stayed and I fought for it. I will never blame anyone for my past mistakes because even though two years ago today I was lying on the floor bawling, states away from my family, it made me who I am today. I was scared of Texas for a while, for me it was a giant reminder of pain and shame. Texas was everything I wasn’t, couldn’t have, couldn’t keep. Now two years later I’m back in Texas and living in Texas. I went from lying on the floor to being here in my own apartment dressed for Christmas writing this.

 Two years ago I didn’t like who I was, I was keeping this giant secret from people I loved and it was pulling me down. My dad and I weren’t talking, my mom and I weren’t on the best of terms and so I shut everyone out. I felt alone, lost, and I felt like I only had this one person who I knew wasn’t good for me but accepted this secret. While I was in Texas I literally shut everyone out. My best friend would call and I would push ignore, my sister would call and I would turn the phone over. I felt like I had to prove something to everyone so I made everything look perfect from the outside in. I finally broke down though on December 13th and prayed to God from the floor all alone in this stranger’s home. I prayed he would change me, heal me, love me. I felt like everything around me was falling apart and everything recently that I put my hands on was coming back to hurt me. I laid there all alone and hated myself, hated everything I stood for, I hated my life. I would later pull it together fake it and go to dinner that night and every night to follow. I came home days later and lied to everyone. I told everyone it was the best trip I had been on and I had the best time ever. As soon as I got home I walked up to my room and cried till I fell asleep. I was lying to everyone and trying to lie to myself but I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t okay but I refused to let others see that. This faking it and crying at night lasted for months. I would be perfect on the outside but then cry in my shower, the car, at night in bed.

When we are at our lowest we don’t like to tell people but why? Maybe because we feel like we look weak, like we can’t handle a situation, but for me I was trying to prove a point and If I showed I wasn’t happy then my point would be lost. For so long I kept this secret and I finally admit it and then I’m miserable and that what I fought for turns out to be not good for me? So I hid the pain, I hid the tears, but most importantly I hid the shame. I was ashamed of the person I was, lying to people, hurting people, I lost myself in this person and the situation. I would look at myself and I didn’t recognize who was looking back. I was too ashamed to say I wasn’t okay. Do you feel not okay? If so know you aren’t alone, I’ve been there. I’ve been there where everyday is an uphill battle and the pain you carry around is too heavy sometimes and you want to give up. I wanted to give up but listen to me, the only way off the floor is up. You can stand even if your knees are wobbly, it all starts with just standing. I had to learn and teach myself how to stand again but it doesn’t happen overnight. I got so frustrated when I stood and still felt pain. I had to remind myself that I had to change from the inside out and that is a process. Any time we look deep inside and see something is off, the healing process doesn’t happen overnight. Just like a scar it heals through time and eventually you don’t see it anymore but you’ll always remember the spot it was in. You can’t rush finding yourself and the only way you can find yourself is if you take some beatings so stop being so hard on yourself. You are human so you are bound to make mistakes, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Its in our DNA to mess up so stop trying to hide it, instead embrace it. Embrace the falls so that you can understand and appreciate the highs. The important thing to finding yourself during a hard time is to reach out. Our loved ones aren’t going to rub our tough time in our face so stop pushing the ignore button or placing your phone down. Don’t push people out because you’re only hurting yourself. Listen to the advice, the people who love you only want what’s best for you and sometimes we need to be reminded of what that is.

Its okay to not be okay. Simple as that and until you finally realize that you’re just going to keep hurting yourself by putting a Band-Aid on something that needs to breath. I thought that by faking my happiness the pain would all go away but instead it only grew. The moment I said, “Gena, you’re not okay and that’s okay, you are going to be okay”, until that moment that I gave myself some room to breathe I was only suffocating myself. Its not being weak when you admit you’re not okay, you aren’t weak one bit but instead strong and courageous. Only a strong person can admit that they aren’t okay. We all at one point or another cant look in the mirror but never ever feel shameful for being lost. Life doesn’t have a map, we won’t get everything right so give yourself room to take some wrong turns. The things we learn on our wrong turns set us up for when we are back on track, we need those moments. Never feel shame for allowing life to happen. If you’re in the arena you are going to get dirty but the only way to do life is to actually do it and not just observe from the sidelines. Every bruise, every mark shows our strength and tells a story of the person we are and will become. We all have cracks but we aren’t broken. You may feel broken but even in that state God is using you for better. We don’t have to be perfect for God to love us, he loves the us that is lying on the floor or the us that is pushing the ignore button.

You are beautiful even if you are a beautiful mess. Give yourself a break and love on your inner soul. Stop hurting yourself because you are worth so much more. Your biggest blessings come from your biggest struggles. Nothing goes without being used. I never in a million years would think I would be back in Texas two years later. I never thought I would have the relationship with my parents like I do now. I never thought I would love myself as much as I do now. From pain I can appreciate my joy. From pain I can see my strength. Tonight, I am strong and so are you. I made it through another chapter and all I can do is keep living. I might take some blows but I’m standing, my knees may be shaking but im still standing. To the person who I was with two years ago today, thank you for making me realize I am worth more. Thank you for showing me my lowest because now I can celebrate who I have become.

You my friend are not alone, so pick yourself off the floor, look yourself in the mirror, and begin to love the person starring back at you. It begins with acceptance and from there there is no stopping you. The sky is the limit and maybe one day like me you can go back to the place that broke you and grow from it.

Growth in Loneliness

Loneliness, something we all feel but hide from the world. Loneliness to me looks like me lying in bed all day, retreating from the world, giving up. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately with this move. I’m used to always having my family with me or close friends nearby. Moving to a place where you don’t really know anyone is extremely tough. It was harder than I thought because I never thought I would ever feel loneliness like this. It’s brought me to my knees and humbled me. It made me realize how important it is to love those who are close to you, and love them hard. When we experience loneliness we start to do some pretty stupid things, we try to grab onto anything “stable” or comfortable. That may look like texting an ex, abusing substances, going for people we normally wouldn’t go for, and doing things we normally wouldn’t do. Why do we lower our standards when we are lonely? Why do we allow this feeling to control our actions? Why is loneliness so powerful? Can loneliness be something that is good for us? These are things I ask myself as I explore the topic of loneliness in my life.

First off we are creatures of habit, change scares us, and it ruffles our feathers. Change is like someone grabbing us and spinning us around till we are so dizzy we can’t walk then they tell us to keep going, we don’t know where to begin or look first. That’s how I felt when I moved here like someone spinned me till I didn’t know what direction to look. When we don’t know where to look or where to grab onto we tend to go to what has been there before aka the past. We try to cling to what we know because the unknown is scary, we don’t know the results. Even if the results in the past didn’t work, we still know what happened so we go there. We text that ex that isn’t good for us, we bring up old habits that weren’t good for us. We trap ourselves back into old habits when we know for a fact it isn’t good for us but desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Why should we hurt ourselves again when we know it didn’t work for a reason in the first place? DON’T GRAB FOR THE SAME HANDS THAT LET YOU GO. DON’T LOOK FOR FREEDOM IN PAST PAINS.

Loneliness is so powerful because it goes against what God made us for. God made us to be in community with one another. He made us for each other so when we aren’t surrounded by our community our foundation cracks. We were made to involve our community in our decisions and the important aspects of our life because sometimes our community knows us better and can see our mission more clearly. When we don’t have that foundation near us or involved in our daily lives we get lost in the sauce. We are truly never alone though because we always have God but, some people are God on earth to us and we need them nearby. My tribe and community consists of my family, my Pop Pop and my best friend Brooke. When they are not around me I’m not myself because I don’t have anything to center myself on. God puts people in our life for a reason; they have a purpose, a goal, a mission in our life. Our center of gravity shifts when they are not with us, when we experience loneliness..that is why it’s so powerful.

God doesn’t intend for us to ever be lonely but when we do experience it it hurts so bad because He is trying to reach us through that. He uses the pain we feel as a reminder that we aren’t alone and that we need to come back to Him. Sometimes we retreat when we feel alone and we leave people out, we leave God out. What you feel in your heart right now is God calling you back, pulling you back to Him. Our greatest pains and greatest moments happen through God because it’s through those times that he talks straight to us. It may hurt like hell but know God is trying to turn it around and get you back into his arms.

As much as loneliness can hurt us, I think it is so important that we have moments spent alone. Loneliness doesn’t have to hurt us, in fact it’s a huge opportunity to grow us. One of my favorite things to do is to go to the movies alone. I can eat as much popcorn as I want, I don’t have to have someone whispering in my ear, and I can sit and watch all the credits. Most people get anxiety thinking about doing anything alone but we need some time alone to be silent, to find our inner peace, to find ourselves. If we are always with people it’s too loud for us to hear what our soul needs, what God wants from us. We get signs from God through people but sometimes we get signs when we spend time alone. People used to have to go alone in a tent to pray, get away from everything and have it be just them and the Lord. GET IN THE TENT. Listen to the silence and let it lead you. Use that time that you are alone to build yourself up.  Stop thinking you always need to be around people because everything you need is in you. Ultimately your relationship with God is between you and Him so spend time with Him! Don’t be scared to shut everything out and get in the tent. SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL MESSAGES ARE HEARD IN SILENCE.

Yes we are made for community but we also need alone time. We can use the pain of loneliness as a building block for change and new opportunities. Stop going back to the past because what burned you once has the power to burn you again, you are smarter than that. You aren’t experiencing this alone because I am with you BUT IM TURNING MY PAIN INTO POWER AND SILENCE INTO ANSWERS. It’s up to you whether you shut the world out or step up and go to the movies by yourself. You might take in a part of the movie that you would have missed if you were with someone. I am here for you and you will get through this time. You are strong, you are brave, and I am on your tribe. Text someone in your tribe tonight that supports you and thank them. Keep your tribe close and God will keep the blessings close. You will get through this season and if you ever need someone to talk to please reach out to me.

A Case of the Mondays

There is a stigma attached to Monday, a day everyone dreads because it’s the beginning of the week. We slowly get out of bed, try to make coffee without falling asleep, and drive to work for the man. We have been trained to think Mondays are the worst! I came in to work today feeling the same doom and gloom feeling that everyone else in the world is feeling. I chugged some coffee, wore my brightest shirt I had to add something fun to the day and drove to work. I sat in traffic thinking about everything I need to do for the rest of the week and the heavy burden started coming back into the picture. I got on the phone and started complaining, complaining about how it’s Monday and I want to go back to bed. I had about 6 calls and got nothing so my mood was going from bad to worse. On the seventh call I answered and did my schpeel waiting for the person on the other end to give me an attitude and tell me to never call again when I got this cheerful voice saying “Hi!!! How are you Miss Gena?” It took me back for a second and I just paused….why was he so happy? What did I do to have him be so nice and sound so excited to talk to me. He sounded like he just won the lottery. I told him I was good and then I began to thank him, I told him “Sir, I just want to tell you how enthusiastic you sound and the way you said hi to me made me want to talk to you, you made me feel good.” I began to thank him for being so cheerful and warm and he goes, “You know Gena, so many people hate Monday but for me it is the best day of the week”….I asked him why Monday? He began to explain that we should learn to love Monday because it’s the start of the week so we might as well start our week off right and make Monday the best day. It’s the beginning of everything new and we all should treat Monday and welcome it with open arms. Brian and I talked for several minutes and before we hung up even though I didn’t get a sale I thanked him again and he told me to keep my head up and change my perspective on the day.

Brian gave me something I needed and everyone needs every now and then, a reminder. A simple reminder that no matter what the day is, what has happened, we need to welcome every day with open arms and see it as a new opportunity. We pile on unnecessary stress and disappointment around our days when we should be celebrating the new opportunity that has been presented to us. Talking to Brian reminded me of the bible verse from Lamentations 3:22-23, “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness”. Every morning his blessings are made new again so why start the week off dreading it? We put ourselves in our own misery but why? I am so guilty of this and that’s why we all need a Brian, we all need a reminder.

There are so many things to be grateful for but we focus on that one thing, the one pain out of all our joy. It’s like God is telling us to focus and look straight at Him but instead we look all around us and get overwhelmed. All God is telling us to do is to look straight at Him because then you can see the blessings instead of focusing on the unimportant, the things that bring us down, and the devil. Start today focusing straight ahead. See today as an opportunity to have an amazing week. Be a Brian in a day full of miserable people, change your perspective then make an impact on someone like he did me. Spread your joy and become a vessel for the new mercies.

Today is Monday, the best day of the week. You got this. Head up and focus on the amazing things soon to come.

The Redirection of Failure

This is going to be a hard post but I want to be real. I want to be vulnerable; I want to embrace the struggle. We as a society try to cover up our pain, we fake how we feel, we burry the pain and hide what we are going through. It’s scary being vulnerable but it’s the bravest thing one can do. We post pictures, we tell stories, we create this idea that everything in our life is working out when behind the scenes we are fighting. I am fighting. We associate failure to shame and so we burry and hide it, we cover it up, force ourselves to smile when we really want to cry. If we are just honest and face what God is putting in our life then WE CAN USE THE PAIN TO SET US UP FOR THE GLORY. I believe we go through tough times to set others free so by hiding our pain or lying about it we are leaving someone in the dark. We can light the way for others and ourselves but it takes honesty, bravery, and the notion that you will fail. Failure is a part of life; it doesn’t mean you lost, not at all. FAILURE IS A PLATFORM FOR CHANGE, FOR GROWTH, AND FOR SUCCESS, WE JUST HAVE TO BE BRVE ENOUGH TO FACE IT.

Failure brings out our insecurities, it makes us feel like we are standing naked in front of a crowd of people and we have a target on our back. It is freaking scary. We feel shameful and bow our heads but when we do that we then miss the lesson which leads to the blessing. We can help so many people and ourselves if we just cut the shit and face the struggle, admit where you are and jump in head first. When things don’t go our way we point the finger back at ourselves, negative self-talk is introduced and we bully ourselves. We hurt ourselves but why? At the end of the day it is our soul that we sleep with so we should be protecting ourselves instead of bruising ourselves. We should be loving ourselves and practicing self-love and understanding.

It starts with loving yourself and giving yourself a break. Protect the inner child in you, don’t bully it. We all go through seasons and sometimes that season includes drought but it isn’t the end, it’s just an avenue to the final destination. The Israelites roamed the desert for 40 years. For 40 years they went through a season of drought but they kept walking, they kept going. They didn’t blame themselves, they didn’t fake the struggle, they simply lived in it and kept walking. We have to own the hard times and know that there is a purpose for everything. Right now to be honest, I don’t see my purpose in this move. I am roaming through the desert and I’m vulnerable, I’m scared, I’m confused. God led me here and yet all I’ve been facing is one failure after the other. I feel like I’m not strong enough to keep going but then I remember all my blessings. I remember I can light someone’s path so that is why I am sharing my struggle. In order to get rid of the struggle I have to name it and face it.

We can’t always be on the sidelines of life just observing because we are scared to fail. The only option in life is to get in the freaking arena and give it your hardest. DON’T EVER MEASURE YOUR WORTH IN FAILURES, BUT IN LESSONS. Some of the biggest lessons come from the deepest pits. To God it’s not called failure, he is just redirecting you. He closed the door but every time one closes another opens. I’m trying to not get down and out but man is it hard to do life when you feel like you are failing. It’s so easy to let that pain seep into other parts of your life and before you know it you feel trapped and worthless. Listen to me, it happened for a reason, God redirected you for a reason all you have to do is be honest with yourself and others. God already knows you’re ashamed and he is the almighty so why are we scared to show our shame to ordinary people who have at one point another felt shame as well? Share your story; reach out to your community because God gave us one another to build each other up.

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE PIT THAT GOD IS GOING TO USE. The way to best handle failure is to be obedient to God. When our heart aligns with His then some incredible things are bound to happen. See, we ask God to get us out of the hard time but then when he calls us we don’t go. We will never get out of the pit unless we are obedient and live in God’s word. I’m not saying it’s easy because when you’re going through hell all you want to do is yell at God but we have to remain on course. Last night I laid in bed yelling at God in my head, “Why do I keep getting hurt, why aren’t you giving me a break, why are my prayers not answered”. The thing I’m learning though is that you have to go through prison to know what it feels like to be free. PAIN GROWS US AND ATHOUGH IT FEELS LIKE OUR HEART IS BREAKING IT REALLY IS JUST BEING USED IN NEW WAYS. We are built by each season and drought; we have to go through the desert to get to the well.

When it comes to yelling at God, I am all for it. Listen, God already knows what we are going to say he is just waiting for us to say it. Stop hiding from the person who already knows. He is a big boy, he can take it. THE THING IS THOUGH THAT WE STAND AND YELL AT GOD WHEN WE SHOULD BE ON OUR KNEES. We need to humble ourselves in these hard times. The only way to submit to God is to humble yourself. THE ONLY WAY TO GET OUT OF THE PIT IS TO GET ON YOUR KNEES.

Pits carry lessons, failure is redirection, and droughts bring us to wells. Live in the arena of life and know that failure will come but the only way up is to start down. Our hearts hurt because its experiencing new things, we will survive, we will make it and not only make it but thrive. Last night I got on my knees and cried. I cried to the Lord and told him exactly how I was feeling because the only way out is in. I’m hurting and putting up the biggest fight I have fought but I know I’m not the only one fighting; I have someone standing in front of me taking the major blows. I will get through this, I will share my struggle and I will embrace it.

The End of Sterotypes

This post is about something I’ve been struggling with personally and something that I feel a lot of the world is too. I’ve been struggling with the fact that I allow outside influences to disrupt my inner peace. How many of y’all feel like outside influences distort your mission or view of yourself? It puts negative ideas, words, self-talk into your being that were never meant to be there. It pushes out the good and leaves us feeling less than. I watch the news, I read magazines, I watch professional sports and all of these outlets per say are piling on seeds of doubt and comparison into my world. I started to write this for young girls and women and I caught myself doing exactly what I don’t want to happen. We associate certain things to women and certain things to men but let’s be real for a moment, gender roles and norms are dying and thank god! It’s not just women who battle with negative self-talk but boys and men, it’s universal. So, this post is for anyone and everyone.

Boxes, we were never meant to be lived in and worse put people in them. BOXES PUT BOUNDARIES UP AND LIFE IS NOT ABOUT BOUNDARIES BUT THE INBETWEEN. Life is not black and white so we have to stop forcing it to be, you don’t learn in black and white, you learn in the grey. WE ONLY HURT OURSELVES AND OTHERS WHEN WE SUBJECT PEOPLE TO LABELS, IDEAS, AND EXPECTATIONS. We are all different but that beauty has been twisted and turned into a competition. We compete everyday with people and we don’t even know we are doing it. In our society we push people to be number one and to be the best they can be but we don’t stop there because instead of focusing on that individual we pin them against someone else. We thrive off of the “winning attitude” and idea, if we aren’t first, well we don’t even talk about it because it’s not accepted. I think about men in sports, young boys, always having to live up to these expectations of being the best athlete or being the money maker for the family. I think of women who feel like they have to dress perfect, have the perfect family, and be the perfect mom. We add immense pressure to people to be something that maybe they were never meant to be. Every day we are in a competition with others, with the way we dress, talk, what car we drive, our position at work…it’s never ending. If we can’t beat you at sports, then we will beat you with our looks or our status. WE HAVE CREATED A CULTURE WHERE WE HURT ONE ANOTHER AND OURSELVES BY STRIVING TO GET TO THE TOP OF THIS IMPOSSIBLE MOUNTAIN THAT HAS BEEN CREATED BY MASS MEDIA, PRESSURE, STANDARDS, IDEAS, ETC… We have it all wrong creating this unhealthy competitive drive separating ourselves from who we really are and the people around us.

I’ve been thinking about this idea of boxes when I went to a bar the other night and tried something. I had a male bartender who I asked to surprise me with a drink. I told him to pick anything that he thought would fit me and that he thought I would like. He came back with this pink fruity drink he made. I asked him why that drink? Why something pink? And he said, “Simple you’re a girl and most girls like pink and fruity things”. I asked him if he realized what he just did and he shook his head. This people is exactly what I’m talking about. Here this gentleman saw a young girl and automatically associated girly things to her and the color pink. I told him to take the drink back and to give me tequila, he was shocked. We do this every day and we don’t even realize it. We put these stereotypes on people and lock them inside these ideas that society has put out there. Boys must be men and men can’t cry, they can’t show emotion, they have to support the family, they have to be strong. Women have to be skinny, be beautiful, be the perfect girlfriend or mom and let the man do the rest. STOPPPPPPPPPPP.

We shut people down and who they really are by forcing them to fit this idea. WE ARE RUINING OUR INNER PEACE BY TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH WHAT SOCIETY EXPECTS FROM US INSTEAD OF WHAT WE EXPECT.  We are climbing this exhausting impossible mountain and the higher up we go the more we burry our true selves. We are scared to stray from the expected because we are then seen as weak. I’m here to tell you and myself that we have to stop shutting off our inner selves in order to compete and maintain societal norms. My heart hurts thinking about all the years I hid a part of me because society labeled it as wrong. It pains me to think about the pressure we are putting on young boys and girls. So, how do we find our inner peace? How do we stay true to our mission and our being?

It all starts with taking the pads off, taking the makeup off, taking the mask off that we felt like we needed to wear. It starts with taking a step out of the box that we put ourselves in or were shoved in by others. It’s about listening to your inner being and being still. Shutting out all the outside voices and the negative self-talk and realizing what really sets our soul on fire. Society isn’t laying up with you at night listening to your soul; society doesn’t know what drives you or what path you are on. Stop lying to yourself and others by trying to be something that isn’t true to who you are. Don’t be scared to show your inner self because only then are you really living. Hiding who you are, who you want to be, what you want to do, who you really love is not living, but you have the option to change that. Stop looking to the side and comparing, stop being in the crowd of people who pin people against people. We were never meant to compete but to come together through our differences. Our differences are what make us who we are. They aren’t a platform for change or competition.

Little girls look at images and think they aren’t pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough. Little boys are forced to hold up the standard of being strong, fearless, the best athlete, the supporter, the money maker. Those ideas we feed them then follow them throughout their life and it comes out in unhealthy ways. Girls are bullied in middle school, they are shamed when they express their sexuality, they feel like they must always be dating someone or have the storybook life. Boys are told they must be men and men aren’t scared, they don’t show emotion, they make the big bucks and drive the nicest car, they can’t be feminine or shed a tear.

We cannot allow outside influences to disrupt our inner peace and being. WE HAVE TO SET OURSELVES FREE AND IN THE PROCESS SET OTHERS FREE FROM THE BOXES AND STEROTYPES WE PUT THEM IN. We (I) have to stop looking at others and pressuring myself to change my foundation to beat them or be on their level. People and things don’t bring us to where we need to be; only we can walk ourselves there. Sure, others elevate us but we ultimately do the walking. We can’t rely on others to make us this person we are trying to be. It’s like when you’re on the airplane and they say to do your mask first. Same thing in life. You have to know yourself, love yourself, and then decide what you want BUT do it for you.

Focus on what makes you, you. Then love it, love it unconditionally, without limits, without exceptions, without comparison. Cut out all the voices in your head that tell you that you need to be better, work harder, that you aren’t good enough, or you need to change. Right now, in this moment you are who you are and it starts there. It doesn’t start where you want to be or will be in a few weeks. Life is about accepting yourself for who you are for exactly where you are. We aren’t always in the place we want to be but if we ignore that starting place then we will never get to the next with the lessons that were planted throughout the journey.

Let’s move forward and more forward together, bettering ourselves and others. Stop putting people in boxes based off their religion, life, love, ethnicity, etc.… Don’t compete with others or look to your side, instead look forward and only move ahead. Accept where you are and take advantage of every lesson sent your way. People aren’t supposed to lock each other up but set one another free. Put your own oxygen mask on then put on your neighbors. Bring love back into the picture and take out competition. See people for who they are and not how society sees them. Celebrate differences and use them as a basis for community instead of competition.

You are you and you are exactly who you need to be. Take a deep breath and know that you are exactly where you need to be.

The Runway to Change

Allow your heart to break. Allow yourself to feel pain. When you are experiencing heartbreak, feel it. You may think I’m cruel, crazy, and out of my mind for saying this but what I’m saying WILL SAVE YOU. I hope everyone gets the chance to experience heartbreak…by now I should be a pro when it comes to them. Someone who I value very much once told me, “Gena I hope you fall and fall hard. I hope you experience heartbreak and the pain”. I looked at that person like they were out of their mind. Why would you want that for anybody? Why did she want me to experience pain? aren’t we supposed to shield one another from pain? Made no sense at the time however, years later as I write this I understand why and now I wish that for others.

I’ve talked about heartbreak and what it does to us. It shakes us to our core; it turns all truths into lies. It makes us build up our wall brick by brick until nobody can see in. It makes us question things that we once knew to be true. Colors change, smells change, things look and feel different. It’s like we step out of our world and into another element where all we focus on is survival. We take what we can get, whatever is closest to us.

THE HEARTBREAK THAT ONCE BROKE ME NOW SAVES ME EVERYDAY. I wouldn’t take any heartbreak back. I wouldn’t change things. If I went back and avoided a heartbreak I wouldn’t be where I am today, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

To the people who once broke me, I thank you for making me stronger. I thank you for teaching me what pain feels like because without experiencing pain I wouldn’t understand or appreciate true joy. Pain makes us realize what’s important, it opens our eyes. True joy is something not a lot of people experience because they haven’t allowed themselves to feel pain. Pain is another way God reaches us, he speaks through us by the emotions we feel and experience. The thing is though we HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE EMOTION WHEN IT COMES.

We try and hide from pain, we skip over it, and we put it to the side. By putting pain to the side you are putting God to the side. Every emotion you feel whether good or bad, God is involved some way or another. It's a disservice not to fully embrace that emotion. I’ve tried to run from the pain, I’ve tried to mask it up. You know the phrase “fake it till you make it”…I’m a pro at that. I would bury the pain deep down and not want to deal with it so naturally it stayed with me. For years I couldn’t experience true joy because I still had pain taking its spot. We have to feel the pain to release the pain. What I mean by feeling the pain is that you can’t run from it or put it in the corner. Face your pain, call it out and feel how low it makes you feel. The only way to get out is to understand the state you’re in. Cry and cry hard, don’t ever hold in your tears. Scream, throw a pillow, and do whatever you need to do to feel the pain but in a healthy way. Don’t go to alcohol, drugs, or people because that’s not feeling the pain but abusing the pain. DON’T ABUSE THE PAIN.

Here is the catch; you have to feel it but then move on. Call it out by its name then tell it to leave. You can’t sit in your heartbreak, you can’t keep holding on because you’re only taking up space where God could be working. Heartbreak is meant to be felt but it’s only supposed to be for a season, not the whole year. You have to let it go, let that person go, let the regrets go, introduce God into your heart and allow him to carry you out of the pain. It’s like in rehab the first step is admitting the problem, the first step is feeling the pain. Then once it’s known it has no more purpose in your life so move on. It may take time but use your past pain as a runway for your future joy. We have to go through the pain to get to the joy. PAIN IS OUR RUNWAY. HEARTBREAK IS OUR RUNWAY TO FREEDOM.

I'm scared to love again because I've been through really bad heartbreaks but when I think about it those periods where I was experiencing heartbreak, they were the periods in my life where I grew the most. See heartbreak brings you to your knees but that's God's reasoning because he wants you always on your knees so that he can pick you up. I wish for so many people that I love that I could have carried them through that heartbreak but I know they need to experience it. It's like middle school, it sucks but grows you. You have to graduate that to get to high school.

HEARTBREAK ISN'T THE END OF THE ROAD BUT THE BEGINNING. He will open your eyes to things that have been there the whole time you were just too distracted to see. It's like god put blinders on us in heartbreak and so that it's so easy to see him.

What about after heartbreak and the healing, will we see god then? Yes but by this point you either filled that pain with god or something else. If you filled it with something else you will keep struggling and won't be able to see the blessings clearly. WE HAVE TO FEEL OUR PAIN WITH GOD OTHERWISE THE VACANT SPACE WILL CALL THE DEVIL.

I fill my pain with people. If someone texts me or likes me then it'll distract me. So, I'll find someone to help with the pain. We do things that aren't healthy for us when we abuse our pain. It is easier to pawn our pain off to something else but that's us not dealing with it. The harder the heartbreak the bigger the blessing. He is preparing you for when you recieve that blessing.

We have to learn how to change our perspective of heartbreak. It doesn't break us but builds us. So, are you gonna text that person you've been thinking about through this whole thing or are you gonna get on your knees? What's easy isn't right and what's hard adds to our foundation.

You will get through this but promise me you won't abuse the pain. Cry, get it out; feel it. Then, stand up and stand tall because God is waiting to give you his blessing.

Heartbreak isn't bad. Pain isn't bad. Change your perspective and change your life.

Lessons from my Hero

Indescribable…. Indescribable is the word I would use to describe my dad. People know I’m really close to my family but what they don’t get to experience is the bond we share. I am so lucky to have such a powerful connection to my parents. Recently, my Dad and I have gotten a lot closer. My mom and I were always close, but I wouldn’t go to my dad if I needed advice. Now, he is my go to. We talk every night on the phone and facetime to catch up on one another’s day. We went from being a few cubicles away from one another (he was my boss) to thousands of miles away and boy does it suck. I miss seeing Him every day at 9 and having him be mad at me for being late to almost every morning meeting. I miss hearing him scream my name across the dealership to get my attention when at the time I would cringe. I miss hearing his music playing as he was on the computer doing business. I miss randomly going into his office and telling him that I loved him. I miss the simple things. To me, my dad is my hero because he has come so far in life. You know when they say some people are just born with “it”, whatever that it may be…well that’s him. My dad was born a fighter and every day I get to experience watching this incredible human live life…through my eyes he is superman.

People look at my dad now and look at the way he dresses, which is always to the 9s and assume he came from money. People will look at what I wear and drive and ask, “so how rich is your dad?” …it used to upset me when people asked that but now I smile because they openly have given me the chance to tell my Dad’s amazing story. I want to share with you all some lessons I have carried with me from my dad’s story but to understand them I must tell it to you first.

My dad did not come from money, to most people’s surprise. He didn’t have the nice clothes other kids had, or the big Christmases. He lived a simple hard life with his three other siblings, raising them most of the time and setting that example. My Dad didn’t get to see his father a lot as he was overseas fighting but when he did he experienced tough love. He wasn’t sheltered from life, he was living right in the middle of the arena and he was able to keep his head up above water. So many things could have broken him, but they didn’t, they only made him stronger. He could have given up, but he fought on because he had a why. His why was his future family. My dad didn’t have the chance to go to college, so he started washing cars at a local dealership. Once they saw his good work ethic they promoted him to lot attendant…you know that person that plays Tetris with the cars….yea, that was him. After doing that for some time he was able to sell the cars that he used to wash. He quickly became the best salesperson, defeating the odds. He made a vow that he would never stop working hard because he wanted his future kids to have the opportunities that he didn’t have.

For years my Dad worked as hard as he could, but the thing is he didn’t do it for anyone else, He did it for himself. I don’t know if he had the support he needed but what I do know is that he fought. He fought to better himself and to fly higher and faster. Over 30 years later my Dad is the GM of a dealership that he designed from the ground up. He was able to send his two kids to college and let them graduate with no college debt weighing them down. He went from having nothing to being able to provide everything for my sister and I. When I see other people struggle with college debt it brings tears to my eyes because I can’t believe someone loves me that much to work that hard, so I wouldn’t have to struggle. MY DAD STRUGGLED SO THAT MY SISTER AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO.

Things happen in our life that have the opportunity to break us but it’s up to us if it does or not. My dad experienced lots of things that could have broken him but he wouldn’t allow it. When I was a baby my uncle (my dad’s brother) died. I could never imagine losing a sibling, I wouldn’t be able to carry on. If I lost my sister my world would come shattering down. I wasn’t old enough to understand but what I do know now is that my dad didn’t let it break him. He didn’t let it harden his heart or make him bitter. Instead of being bitter my dad decided to love. He loves with his whole heart and I think that’s where I get it from. He will do anything and everything for someone, whether he knows them or not. He is the type of person that will lend you money and not ask questions, he just does. Every holiday we have a big dinner and year after year since I could remember my dad’s employees have joined us. The people who don’t have loved ones to spend it with or have the means to make a dinner he invites over. He doesn’t overlook anyone no matter what position in life they are in. Which brings me to a huge lesson he taught me.

You are never too good enough to do the little things. “My title doesn’t define me, I’m not too good to go and do the job of anyone at this store” is what he would tell me. One day I was looking for my dad at work and couldn’t find him…I looked everywhere. I finally went to the back of the store where the washers wash the cars for delivery and there he was….in a suit and tie scrubbing a car for a customer to make sure it was done right. Here he is, the man who designed the building and he is in the back cleaning peoples cars because he wants to make sure they are happy. He would show up to work early to walk around the lot and pick up trash. Meanwhile I step over the trash, I show up late, I have someone else wash the car…My dad humbles himself and doesn’t allow his title to define him or his actions. How many of us think something is below us? I know I do. I’m too good to pick up that trash or its not in my job description to do this or that. To my dad there are no levels, everyone is equal. He will always pick up the trash and he will always be in the back washing cars because he is the definition of humility.

Strength and character are some of the other lessons I have learned from my Dad. Growing up my dad experienced a lot of tough love, he didn’t get the hugs and kisses like my sister and I do. He didn’t have that close bond with his parents like we do. So where does it come from? Within him. My dad has every reason to not show us the love he does yet he goes above and beyond to make sure we know how loved we are. Every Valentine’s day my dad buys me roses and chocolates, every Easter he wakes up early to make me a basket, every Christmas he makes sure Santa gets us exactly what we want. His strength is what keeps me going, his love is what defines me.

One of the most powerful memories I have with my dad shows just how much character he has. My dad isn’t a church guy and that’s ok, many people aren’t. One Christmas eve I got dressed and told my family I was going to go to the midnight sermon. I accepted I was going to go alone and went upstairs to change and get ready while my family sat on the couch and talked. When I came down my Dad was standing at the bottom of the steps in his suit with is hand out, “You would think I would really let you go alone?”. He is always there for me and that night is a night I’ll never forget. After church that Christmas eve him and I went to the store and made breakfast together at 1am. Sitting there in the kitchen with him made me realize that I am the luckiest girl in the world. He always puts us first and doesn’t even take a second to think about it, he just does.

Integrity is another lesson I have learned from my father. He always does the right thing even when nobody is looking. Throughout my Dad’s life people have done him wrong and I have witnessed it first hand. For me the most pain I’ve felt was seeing my dad be mistreated by people he put before him. My dad didn’t just forgive people but he would later go back and help them when they needed it. He doesn’t keep count of wrong doings, he forgives and shows grace. He can smile and show grace to the person who hurt him when even just typing this now my hands start to shake because I have so much hate for those people. I always wondered how my dad could forgive people and show grace but it’s because of his strength. He always tells me to keep moving forward and that’s what he does. He doesn’t live in the hurt but uses it to propel himself forward. When he gets hurt he loves more…. what a testament to what Gods love is. He drowns us in his grace unknowingly because it’s never about him.

My dad is unapologetically himself, what you see is what you get. I struggle with self-love and how others think of me, but he always reminds me, “Gena, all you have to do is be yourself and the people that love you will always be there for you. Ignore the people who hate because people are always trying to find someone to hate. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone because your family knows your heart and that’s all that matters”. When I was bullied in high school I remember one day he came up to my room when I was crying. I was embarrassed for him to see me like that because he is always so strong, and I felt like I was letting him down. He told me that I am who I am, and nobody can take that away from me. He laid with me and let me cry. He protected me from those people. He later would protect me from my abusive relationship. He protects me every day by being who he is and telling me that I am perfect the way I am.

He loves me unconditionally and it’s his love that showed me that no matter who you are you are worthy of love. He taught me to always unapologetically be myself because everyone else is taken. He taught me what it means to work for what you want and that we are never too good to give back. He taught me to show grace to people and learn how to forgive and move forward. He taught me blood is thicker than water and He shows me this every day. He is the epitome of strength and integrity. Our conversations mean more to me than he will ever know. He will never stop doing the little things for my sister, myself, and my mom. He will never stop fighting to make sure we have what we need. He was born with “it”.

Dad, thank you for showing me that no obstacle can keep me down. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need to change in order for people to like me. Thank you for fighting for us since day one. Thank you for selflessly giving to everyone who crosses your path. You are the best father a girl could ever dream of. You catch me every time I fall and you don’t make me feel bad about it. You pick my head back up and carry me when I can’t move forward. You are my wings when I try to fly. I always know you’ll catch me. You take my fear away and embrace me in love and grace. So many people can learn how to truly live life if they just watch you live yours. You set the perfect example for Elisa and I and it doesn’t go unnoticed. You’re my superman and I know you’ll always save my day.

P.S. I guess this is a good time to tell you I got another tattoo. Love you and see you in 4 days.

-Your Angelfish (lil G)