Some days I let my past win. I take the book off the shelf and open up a chapter that I've already read and closed. I start to examine the highlighted things again, trying to uncover maybe something I might have missed. Or, I use that chapter as a weapon against myself bringing up old feelings and thoughts that should be left in those dusty dirty pages. I allow those thoughts to take over the present and before you know it I'm back where I was years or months ago. I feel hollow, alone, vulnerable. The loud silly Gena gets quiet and sinks into herself as she plays the movie in her head of everything bad that has ever happened. I replay conversations, and situations, I analyze what I could have said or done differently.
Those days sometimes just pop up out of nowhere. We are doing fine then something triggers us to go back to the past, to take the book off the shelf. Yesterday was one of those days. I was doing fine when all of a sudden a seed of pain was dropped and I took it and planted it. I allowed myself to take that book, sit down on the floor, and wallow in every page. I was sucked into the past not realizing what was going on around me. I felt like I was back to the broken Gena. Here is the thing...EVEN THOUGH THE PAST MAY COME BACK UP IT HAS NO REASON TO REPLACE THE PRESENT. It's important to learn from the past but not replace the present moment with past thoughts or feelings. WE HAVE TO BE PLANTED IN THE PRESENT BUT USE THE PAST AS A REMINDER OF WHERE WE HAVE COME FROM SO WE KNOW EVERYTHING WE CAN HANDLE IN THE FUTURE. The past is a reminder of our journey; it's not who we are or what we are capable of doing. It’s like a rough draft, that rough draft doesn’t define our writing abilities but shows us and our teacher where we came from so we can see how far we have come.
When the past inches its way into your day and makes you feel like you’re back where you were know that YOU NEVER GO BACK. YOU ARE NEVER THE SAME PERSON THAT YOU WERE WHEN THAT CHAPTER HAPPENED. Think of this. Someone is walking and falls into a hole, they don’t know how to get out and it takes them hours. A few days later they are walking the same route and they fall into the hole again, this time it takes them half the time to get out. A few days later the person is walking on the same route and walks around the hole. The week after the person takes a different route. They may get in the hole more than once but their reaction time is different, they learn from their mistakes, they never go back to where they first started. YOU ARE ALWAYS GROWING. YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU USED TO BE.
The thing that will leave you up at night making you feel crazy is replaying situations or conversations in your head and wondering what you could have said or done differently. There was once a conversation I had with someone I loved very much, very very much. I was mad and said something that I did not mean, something that not only hurt them but hurt me later on. I go back to that conversation often and think what would have happened if I just didn’t say that. The thing is, YOU SAID WHAT YOU SAID AND YOU DID WHAT YOU DID. God allows us to do things sometimes because although it may hurt us in that moment or later on, it will ultimately grow us. Everything happens for a reason. You said what you said for a reason, YOU CANT GO BACK. No matter how many times you replay that conversation you can’t take it back so why keep opening a wound that would have been healed. KNOW THAT NOTHING THAT GOD ALLOWS TO HAPPEN IS IN VEIN. THAT CONVERSATION THAT SITUATION WAS NOT IN VEIN. Why are we questioning something that god was involved in. It’s like we are questioning the ref who saw the play, called the play but we refuse to accept it. JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T UNDERSTAND DOESN’T MEAN IT WAS FOR NOTHING.
GOD GAVE YOU THIS DAY SO LIVE IN THIS DAY. Learn from your rough draft and know if you fall in the hole again your reaction time will be faster and eventually you’ll find a new route. Keep the book on the shelf because that chapter has ended. GROW FROM THE PAST BUT DON’T BRING IT WITH YOU. Step away from the book.