“We learn conflicts are a part of reality, and we learn new ways to resolve them instead of running from them.”
How many of us with a show of hands can say we run from feelings or pain? In case y’all are wondering I’m holding up both of my hands right now. I was the master of running from feeling. Feelings scared the shit out of me, so I would pack up my denial bag and runaway. For example, my move to Texas wasn’t TO Austin but FROM Williamsburg because I was running, and I thought a new location would breed new results, wrong. Have you ever changed people, places, or things in order to run and be in denial of how you really feel? You went through a traumatic event like a death, breakup, divorce, you were kicked out or denied by your family, fill in any event that hurt you or made you feel here if I didn’t name it. We (I) would pack it up, put it in a nice box on the shelf and leave it there to acquire as much dust as possible because let’s admit it when we runaway we stop worrying about everyday things like cleaning or taking care of ourselves. The more dust that was collected on that box the more I didn’t feel worthy. In return I started to treat myself as someone who wasn’t worthy. What does that look like? Well, I give up the little things. I gave up caring about my self-appearance, writing, going to church…little things that made me who I was. Once we see a perfect place for a hole we tend to keep digging till we are all the way down in it to the point we must face reality. I did everything to avoid reality and my emotional state as it was. It’s like a horse with blinders on, we (I) shield ourselves from anything that we “think” won’t move us forward yet we are missing all the warning signs that are on the side. Have you given up little things? Do you have a nice box on the shelf acquiring dust of guilt and shame? Are you running with your bag of denial? Have you missed the warning signs on the side because you’re shielding yourself from seeing the true picture? If you answered yes to any of the above questions then know you’re not alone, I’m in the boat with you.
When I was living in Williamsburg I didn’t feel accepted or like I could be true to myself and if you’ve ever experienced this feeling you know how much it can kill your soul. I came out as “gay” and I use the parenthesis because I don’t like to limit myself to a word or put myself in a box. WE GET SO CAUGHT UP TRYING TO LABEL OURSELVES THAT WE HIDE THE TRUE US. I was hiding and because I was in hiding I started to throw myself a pity party and guess who I invited in? Self-doubt, extreme self-worth issues, low self-esteem, anger, sadness, and betrayal. Woah is that a lot of crap to invite to a party. If I got invited to that party I would say “hell no, I don’t want to go to that sucky party” yet I was the one throwing it. I WAS THROWING A PARTY FOR MY OWN GUILT, SHAME, AND DENIAL. Not only was I throwing this party but because I didn’t care about the little things there wasn’t anything there to benefit from, no small handheld heart shaped sandwiches, no brownies, no cake, friends, presents, nothing to make it a place that others would want to join me in. So, there I sat at my own party, alone and hungry, looking for more.
I’ve always had feelings of self-doubt and a problem with loving myself, but it manifested in Austin because I was alone with no family, or support system which equals a dangerous combination. I was having the worst time because I just didn’t get it; I moved away from the place that was “hurting” me and YET I was still feeling the same way. NOOOO SHIT GENA!! Changing places if any of you have tried does not work because guess what, you’re still stuck with you. IT’S NOT THE PLACE, PERSON, OR THING THAT’S DIGGING THE HOLE FOR YOU BUT YOU. I just carried my shit from one state to the other and wondered why nothing changed. In order to change our circumstances most of the time it not the circumstance we need to change but us and how we view it. Even if we move the box is still on the shelf because most of the time we don’t want to carry it with us. I started to drink more, doubt more, seek gratification more, and slowly I lost who I was and was trying to be. WHEN WE DENY OUR FEELILNGS WE ARE DENYING THE VERY THING GOD GAVE US TO CONNECT TO HIM. This bible verse sums it up perfectly, “Therefore since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess, FOR WE DO NOT HAVE A HIGH PRIEST WHO IS UNABLE TO SYMPOTHIZE WITH OUR WEAKNESS, BUT WE HAVE ONE WHO HAS BEEN TEMPTED IN EVERY WAY, JUST AS WE ARE-YET WAS WITHOUT SIN. Let us then approach the throne with GRACE and CONFIDENCE, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need -Hebrews 4:14-16.” It says right there in the bible that Jesus felt, and not only did he feel but he felt EVERY emotion we as humans have or do feel now. If the perfect one felt, then what makes us think we can avoid it? How are we superior? We (I) sure do act like I am. Not only is it okay to feel but when we do we can approach the throne with GRACE AND CONFIDENCE because no matter what we did or how we feel about ourselves God overlooks and forgives. He is obsessed with us and we can be confident about that even if we aren’t confident about ourselves.
IN ORDER TO GET OVER SOMETHING WE MUST GO THROUGH IT. We can’t cheat our way through life because our bag of denial will get so heavy and our hole so big that we will become stuck and that’s when we have to make a choice. God is a wiling God who allows us to have the power of choice. We have to consciously choose everyday to look what we fear in the eye and say, “I can, and I will handle this and get through this”. We must admit we are powerless under God and give him all our insecurities because He’s waiting for you to hand him the bag and be free of the weight, but we are often too self-centered and focused on the bad that we don’t see his hand reaching out. How good would that feel to have the weight of denial; the box of shame and guilt be gone so you can live in the here and now and be happy? Sometimes we get so used to being unhappy that we think it’s impossible to see the light. Well, every tunnel has an opening and if you keep your foot on the gas and choose to keep going the light will appear again. YOU ARE NOT STUCK. You may hit a traffic jam in the tunnel, but it will always clear. In AA they read these promises every meeting and it says it all. It reads, “IF WE ARE PAINSTAKING ABOUT THIS PHASE OF OUR DEVELOPMENT, WE WILL BE AMAZED BEFORE WE ARE HALF WAY THROUGH. WE ARE GOING TO KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS. WE WILL NOT REGRET THE PAST NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. WE WILL COMPREHEND THE WORD SERENITY AND WE WILL KNOW PEACE. NO MATTER HOW FAR DOWN THE SCALE WE HAVE GONE WE WILL SEE HOW OUR EXPERIENCES CAN BENEFIT OTHERS. THAT FEELILNGS OF USELESNESS AND SELF-PITY WILL DISSAPEAR. WE WILL LOSE INTEREST IN SELFISH THINGS AND GAIN INTREST IN OUR FELLOWS. SELF-SEEKING WILL SLIP AWAY. OUR WHOLE ATTITUDE UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE. FEAR OF PEOPLE AND OF ECONOMIC INSECURITY WILL LEAVE US. WE WILL INTUITIVELY KNOW HOW TO HANDLE SITUATIONS THAT USED TO BAFFLE US. WE WILL SUDDENTLY REALIZE THAT GOD IS DOING FOR US WHAT WE COULD NOT DO FOR OURSELVES. THEY ARE BEING FUFILLED AMONG US SOMETIMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES SLOWLY. THEY WILL ALWAYS MATERALIZE IF WE WORK FOR THEM.”
Let’s break down what we just read into several parts that are important to keep in the forefront of our brain.
1. We have to be painstaking about this phase of development. We must choose every day to face what life is throwing at us and not hide it. It says in the word that its going to be painful, but we have to work on our feelings and emotions everyday because they are a constant so our work but must be constant.
2. We are going to know a new freedom. When we hand over that bag of denial, when we give away our box or put up the shovel we will find a release and a freedom in that. Like a baptism we will be made clean again once we face the things that are making us unclean. We won’t feel like we are walking around with a ball and chain anymore, we will be free at last.
3. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experiences can benefit others. We feel pain sometimes so that others don’t have to. If we don’t water ourselves, we won’t be able to water others which is part of loving life Jesus. No matter how much we have messed up or how deep our hole is we will realize that through this new freedom we will set others free. We are never too deep or too lost to be found again.
4. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. We aren’t powerful enough to handle the shit that is thrown at us if we do it alone. We were never meant to go through situations alone, so we have to give it to a higher power, God. Once we give him our defects of character, our insecurities he will do for us what we thought was impossible at one point. All things are possible through Him.
5. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. We often swerve from our lane and try and join someone else’s lane or try and keep up with them. We all feel differently and handle situations and emotions differently, so we cannot compare. Everyone is on a different chapter. God doesn’t work on our time but His so you can’t give up if it isn’t immediate. Sometimes he wants us to work for it so that may look like days, months, years, all depends on His will for you. What we can’t do is give up if it isn’t happening in our time. Happiness, joy, love, self-worth doesn’t just come easily but it won’t come at all if you give up. We give up on God all the time, but He has never once given up on us. Stay in your lane and keep your lane clean.
We can get through these emotions we just have to take one thing out of the box at a time. It’s a gradual process, hear that word again, process. You will find a new freedom when you deal with your emotions and you will be a new light so don’t give up on yourself or others. Keep fighting for your happiness and don’t take your foot off the gas petal because the light is ahead. Here is one last quote for you to think about that really touches me by my favorite Brene Brown, “ONLY WHEN WE ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO EXPLORE THE DARKNESS WILL WE DISCOVER THE INFINITE POWER OF OUR LIGHT”. Don’t be scared to face the darkness because only then will you be set free. You are loved, and you are worthy.
Your friend,
Gena Rose