Two years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. This is not me being dramatic but instead honest with myself and others. December 13, 2015, just two days after I graduated college I found myself in Texas for the first time and at the lowest point I had been in my life in years. I still remember the pain of that day and the next couple months to follow. Last year to celebrate being in a better place I laid flowers on parked cars at the local mall. Today I celebrate by writing this, by sharing my pain and my joy with you, by sharing my story. You see two years ago I thought I would never be here, I wanted so badly to be here but I thought it was impossible. This message is for all those people who once felt lost or maybe still do because I want to tell you your story doesn’t end there, its just the beginning. I sure as hell am not in a perfect place and won’t lie to you and say that I am but the fact I have the strength to be okay with that is what I gained. I gained strength.
Two years ago I got lost in someone, someone who I buried my pain in. Someone who was the intangible thing that I thought if maybe I got it then I was ok or loveable. I didn’t think I was someone others could love so I latched onto anybody who showed interest. I don’t blame this person for everything that happened because at the end of the day I stayed and I fought for it. I will never blame anyone for my past mistakes because even though two years ago today I was lying on the floor bawling, states away from my family, it made me who I am today. I was scared of Texas for a while, for me it was a giant reminder of pain and shame. Texas was everything I wasn’t, couldn’t have, couldn’t keep. Now two years later I’m back in Texas and living in Texas. I went from lying on the floor to being here in my own apartment dressed for Christmas writing this.
Two years ago I didn’t like who I was, I was keeping this giant secret from people I loved and it was pulling me down. My dad and I weren’t talking, my mom and I weren’t on the best of terms and so I shut everyone out. I felt alone, lost, and I felt like I only had this one person who I knew wasn’t good for me but accepted this secret. While I was in Texas I literally shut everyone out. My best friend would call and I would push ignore, my sister would call and I would turn the phone over. I felt like I had to prove something to everyone so I made everything look perfect from the outside in. I finally broke down though on December 13th and prayed to God from the floor all alone in this stranger’s home. I prayed he would change me, heal me, love me. I felt like everything around me was falling apart and everything recently that I put my hands on was coming back to hurt me. I laid there all alone and hated myself, hated everything I stood for, I hated my life. I would later pull it together fake it and go to dinner that night and every night to follow. I came home days later and lied to everyone. I told everyone it was the best trip I had been on and I had the best time ever. As soon as I got home I walked up to my room and cried till I fell asleep. I was lying to everyone and trying to lie to myself but I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t okay but I refused to let others see that. This faking it and crying at night lasted for months. I would be perfect on the outside but then cry in my shower, the car, at night in bed.
When we are at our lowest we don’t like to tell people but why? Maybe because we feel like we look weak, like we can’t handle a situation, but for me I was trying to prove a point and If I showed I wasn’t happy then my point would be lost. For so long I kept this secret and I finally admit it and then I’m miserable and that what I fought for turns out to be not good for me? So I hid the pain, I hid the tears, but most importantly I hid the shame. I was ashamed of the person I was, lying to people, hurting people, I lost myself in this person and the situation. I would look at myself and I didn’t recognize who was looking back. I was too ashamed to say I wasn’t okay. Do you feel not okay? If so know you aren’t alone, I’ve been there. I’ve been there where everyday is an uphill battle and the pain you carry around is too heavy sometimes and you want to give up. I wanted to give up but listen to me, the only way off the floor is up. You can stand even if your knees are wobbly, it all starts with just standing. I had to learn and teach myself how to stand again but it doesn’t happen overnight. I got so frustrated when I stood and still felt pain. I had to remind myself that I had to change from the inside out and that is a process. Any time we look deep inside and see something is off, the healing process doesn’t happen overnight. Just like a scar it heals through time and eventually you don’t see it anymore but you’ll always remember the spot it was in. You can’t rush finding yourself and the only way you can find yourself is if you take some beatings so stop being so hard on yourself. You are human so you are bound to make mistakes, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Its in our DNA to mess up so stop trying to hide it, instead embrace it. Embrace the falls so that you can understand and appreciate the highs. The important thing to finding yourself during a hard time is to reach out. Our loved ones aren’t going to rub our tough time in our face so stop pushing the ignore button or placing your phone down. Don’t push people out because you’re only hurting yourself. Listen to the advice, the people who love you only want what’s best for you and sometimes we need to be reminded of what that is.
Its okay to not be okay. Simple as that and until you finally realize that you’re just going to keep hurting yourself by putting a Band-Aid on something that needs to breath. I thought that by faking my happiness the pain would all go away but instead it only grew. The moment I said, “Gena, you’re not okay and that’s okay, you are going to be okay”, until that moment that I gave myself some room to breathe I was only suffocating myself. Its not being weak when you admit you’re not okay, you aren’t weak one bit but instead strong and courageous. Only a strong person can admit that they aren’t okay. We all at one point or another cant look in the mirror but never ever feel shameful for being lost. Life doesn’t have a map, we won’t get everything right so give yourself room to take some wrong turns. The things we learn on our wrong turns set us up for when we are back on track, we need those moments. Never feel shame for allowing life to happen. If you’re in the arena you are going to get dirty but the only way to do life is to actually do it and not just observe from the sidelines. Every bruise, every mark shows our strength and tells a story of the person we are and will become. We all have cracks but we aren’t broken. You may feel broken but even in that state God is using you for better. We don’t have to be perfect for God to love us, he loves the us that is lying on the floor or the us that is pushing the ignore button.
You are beautiful even if you are a beautiful mess. Give yourself a break and love on your inner soul. Stop hurting yourself because you are worth so much more. Your biggest blessings come from your biggest struggles. Nothing goes without being used. I never in a million years would think I would be back in Texas two years later. I never thought I would have the relationship with my parents like I do now. I never thought I would love myself as much as I do now. From pain I can appreciate my joy. From pain I can see my strength. Tonight, I am strong and so are you. I made it through another chapter and all I can do is keep living. I might take some blows but I’m standing, my knees may be shaking but im still standing. To the person who I was with two years ago today, thank you for making me realize I am worth more. Thank you for showing me my lowest because now I can celebrate who I have become.
You my friend are not alone, so pick yourself off the floor, look yourself in the mirror, and begin to love the person starring back at you. It begins with acceptance and from there there is no stopping you. The sky is the limit and maybe one day like me you can go back to the place that broke you and grow from it.